Hello, new friend!

(Photo from cnnsi)

Finally called his bluff. Finally putting an end to the endless Manny drama. This reminds me of the t-shirt that Colleen wants to make that says "Not your boyfriend. Not your problem."

Manny Ramirez: Not your left fielder, not your problem.

He did always say he wanted to be reunited with Nomar. And, snerk, Joe Torre.

Whatever, I'm just excited about Jason Bay. Welcome, friendly Canadian! Here's hoping he doesn't expect to be doing much Baywatching here in Boston.

Let's play the quiet game.

(Photo from Yahoo! Sports)

Fine, Manny. You want it that way? Fine. Because this? Is exhausting. WE DO THIS EVERY YEAR. So go to Green Bay and buy a cheesehead and have a hell of a time. And we'll discuss pressure when you have 400-lb linebackers jumping on you at the line of scrimmage. For the time being, let's stop talking. Let's play the quiet game where whoever stays quiet the longest wins. Doesn't that sound like fun? Okay, you go first.

You know what this is like? This is like that relationship you have that goes on for way too long and you almost break up a hundred times but something keeps you in it. Whether it's the fact that he always saves you the last Tater Tot and knows how you like your coffee or the 100+ RBIs and 40ish home runs. But eventually, that stuff no longer outweighs the fact that he doesn't really like your friends and never remembers to buy toilet paper. So eventually, it ends. And when it does, the only thing you feel is relief. Because you can finally stop babysitting. Look, I don't know if Manny Ramirez will still be a member of the Red Sox by this time tomorrow but at this point, I'm so exhausted with the yearly circus that I really don't think I care. I just want a nap.

I swear, all anyone wants to talk about is Manny. Everyone. The guy at work who delivers our mail. The businessmen talking really loudly on the T yesterday. The not entirely in his right mind dreadlocked cab driver who drove Greta and I home from JP last night and might actually have BEEN Manny for all we know. It's like we're all goldfish and have no memory of the last time this happened.

Seriously. Every. Single. Year. The joke, she is old. Over it. So very, very over it. What makes sense for the team might be something else entirely but if last night's game was any indication, they're apparently done with the winning anyway so it might not matter. They got that out of their system early so I hope you all bottled up the good feelings and happy times and can take them out and look at how shiny and pretty they are in a month when we're in a fistfight with the Orioles for last place.

I'm sorry. I'm tired. I don't sleep much anymore and Red Bull is disgusting.

Also, of course the Yankees need a catcher to replace the injured Posada and of course they trade for, you know, the BEST CATCHER IN BASEBALL. Of course they do. They're the Yankees. That's what they do. Sam is probably devastated considering how much she loves (loved?) Pudge but at least she gets the eminently entertaining Farnsworth back in all his glory.

The whole matter is frustrating. All of it. There appears to be no easy answer and I sense that I'm about one more series sweep away from getting an MLBTV subscription just so I can ignore the Red Sox and make fun of Bronson Arroyo's hair, stare at Matt Holliday's pointy head, salivate over Nick Markakis, wonder how Prince Fielder's vegetarian diet is going and decide, per Amy, that Hunter Pence lives in the leafy part of the tree and feeds on small woodland creatures. Point being, I'm going to have to start making my own fun where baseball is concerned. They are not doing it for me.

Or maybe, just maybe, I'll turn my attentions down the road a bit to Patriots training camp which has just begun in earnest. Because Tom Brady is going to be all over my television soon. And that is NEVER a bad thing. Also, apparently Rodney Harrison is back and ready to kick ass and take names. Because you know who still can't sleep at night due to the Super Bowl hangover? Rodney Harrison. I'm just saying, I'd be concerned if I were the Chiefs. Week one might be difficult for them. Luckily for Manny and Green Bay, the Pats don't play the Packers this season.

Status Quo

(Photo from Yahoo! Sports)

From the outcome of last night's games featuring AL East teams, it's almost as if...last night never happened at all.

Except this. That totally happened. As did the newest installment of Melky Cabrera: Adventures in Outfielding. It's the little things, people. It's the little things that get me through the day.

But as for the rest of it, nothing changed. That being said, can we all pretty much agree to look sternly at Matsuzaka and make it clear that such performances are unacceptable? Because you know what Matsuzaka loves more than full counts? Burning through the Sox suspect bullpen. Why does he love this? Who knows. Maybe he doesn't want the bullpen pitchers to be bored? Maybe he really does think he gets candy the more pitches he throws. Maybe he wants to drive me slowly insane?

All possible. Whatever the case, I'd really like it to stop.

And what is the deal with the Angels? And especially Jered Weaver. Look, it might be elitist of me but I'm vaguely uncomfortable with a guy who's MLB headshot looks like he's angling for a spot in Bronson Arroyo's band but was rejected as being too "meth-y and NASCAR-ish." Call me crazy but I think there's a problem when someone can look at you and say, "Too Kid Rock. Not enough Nickelback."

Yeah, I'm picking on Jered Weaver's hair. Because I'm petty like that. Because I'm tired. And also because I wish not to lose to the Angels anymore. Especially at Fenway. Especially when Manny decides to hit home runs.

See what they've done? They've made me cranky. Maybe we really should just all go back to sleep and pretend that last night never happened. Good plan.

Salvage Job

(Photo from Yahoo! Sports)

Thank goodness for Sidney Ponson's awfulness and Jon Lester's awesomeness. Else that would have been embarrassing. This series with the Yankees seemed to encapsulate every kind of game possible. That being Friday's excruciating 1-0 loss (honestly, what more can you ask from Josh Beckett?), Saturday's smackdown (oh, Timmy, it happens to everyone), and last night's ass kicking. Granted, I'd have liked the Sox to come out on the up side of more than one of these games but Jon Lester apparently had no intention of handing over a sweep.

Is it just me, or has Lester been getting more and more badass of late? Not just with the pitching - though that surely hasn't suffered - but his demeanor seems different. He'll begin the inning with a base hit or two and it's almost as if he doesn't even notice it, as he stands there, absolutely unflinching and strikes the next guy (or two) out. Maybe it's Varitek, maybe it's the knowledge that after a World Series and a no-hitter and, you know, cancer, a few base runners doesn't seem like that big a deal. Or maybe it's what Varitek keeps telling us, Lester has transformed from a boy into a man. (Tek would surely give us some cringe-worthy biology lesson as explanation that's like listening to your dad stumble over an explanation of sex but let's just leave it at that.)

Whatever it is, I am glad of it.

Of course, because the Yankees are the Yankees, they're doing that thing they do every year where they're all "Hey! Remember us? You thought we sucked and, to be fair, we totally kinda did. But yeah, we're back. Ready to make our annual second half playoff push. So that's gonna be fun for you."

Sean, a Pirates fan (I know, right?) had this to say re: the trade of Xavier Nady and Demaso Marte: I apologize on behalf of the Pittsburgh Pirates for our annual farm system contribution to the Yankees pennant push.

Me: I appreciate that. But at least we can all go on hating the Yankees together and the world is as it should be.

Sean: Correct. And man, I can't wait until one or two of those four pitching prospects get good so we can deal them right back to the Yanks or Braves or Mets in late July 2010.

But it's not like it was a surprise, right?

Though I suppose the Red Sox would do well to focus on their own issues here at home. Those being winning games and, apparently, (again, some more) muzzling Manny. Because, seriously? Again? Are we entirely 100% sure that Manny doesn't have an "Annual Bitching and Disgruntled" clause in his contract? Like maybe someone slipped that in to ensure that, just in case the team was fairly drama free around the trading deadline, Manny could be counted on to speak up and send the talking heads at ESPN into a frenzy? Does he get paid in Sweet Tarts every time he says something stupid? Because we put up with a lot from Manny over the years. He's a great hitter. He clearly loves playing baseball. He's fun to watch and, let's face it, he's entertaining. But enough is enough is enough. I think I speak for a fair number of Red Sox fans when I say, Manny? Shut up. Love you, mean it. But for real? Shut up.

Times like this are when I really miss Kevin Millar as he would surely don a tutu during batting practice or something to pull focus. Maybe he'd still be willing.

On the flip side of the sports coin, guess what happened this weekend? Training camp! Patriots training camp! Real, live footballs! You guys? Tommy and Randy and the rest of 'em are back. I missed them, I really did. Granted I've still not really accepted that whole Super Bowl thing but you know what'll cure that? Football. I can't wait. Plus, my brother tells me that Vrabes and Tedy took the stage at the Kenny Chesney concert at Gillette on Saturday and did some "singing" of their own which ensures that one of my very favoritest sports bro-mances is alive and well. Patriots football! Coming soon.

There's no place like Seattle

(Photo from Yahoo! Sports)

Apparently.

Problem with games in Seattle is that they are in direct conflict with my need to sleep and not stay up for 48 straight hours and turn myself into even more of a raving lunatic than I normally am. (Trust me, it's possible). Because when I do that, sometimes I also drink tequila and then I start saying things like "Didn't Nintendo used to own the Mariners? Do they still? I want to play Super Mario Bros. Or Duck Hunt. OH MY GOD Duck Hunt! I'll bet Papelbon loved Duck Hunt. Paps totally pretends like the batters are ducks. Shoot 'em, Paps! Shoot 'em like the stupid ducks! Zzzzzzzzzzzz..."

(It's worth noting that a second party is not necessary for me to be having this conversation).

So suffice it to say "Yay, JD Drew. Hooray for Matsuzaka and his 7.1 IP. And also for Okajima who refrained from doing his Timlin impression last night. And, you know, also for Papelbon." That cover everyone?

Good. Now please come back home, boys. I'm nearly out of tequila.

If the Red Sox win a game and no one is awake to see it, does it still count?

(Photo from Yahoo! Sports)

Or is this that crazy fever dream thing again except instead of JD Drew being the hero and winning the All-Star Game MVP, it's Jason Varitek and Jed Lowrie providing all the offense and driving in all the runs?

Because if it is, I suppose I could get used to this.

Look, no one is a bigger Jason Varitek apologist than me but even I've been wondering what, exactly was eating that poor man recently. Amy and I had a theory:

Amy: There is going to be a Papelspawn.

Me: This still terrifies me to my very soul.

Amy: I worry. I do.

Me: That child is going to run wild since Papelbon will think it's perfectly acceptable to use Manny, Jr. as a babysitter. Or Manny, Sr.

Amy: Jason Varitek is probably going to have to help raise it. OH MY GOD YOU CAN TRACE HIS BATTING SLUMP TO THE PAPELFETUS'S APPROXIMATE CONCEPTION. Clearly he is concerned about having to raise another child.

Me: YOU ARE SO SMART. For his sake, I hope it's a boy.

Amy: Papelbon probably only shoots "y"s.

Me: He's already picked out the camo onesie.

Amy: It's name is going to be Kaydyn. I'm resigned.

Me: Sigh. It totally is.

Amy: Maybe Tek will shake that off.

Me: HEE!

Amy: He's putting down the sign for a nice, normal name.

Seriously, how smart are we to have figured it out? I know Boston.com is telling me that Tek's been stoically battling an eye infection this whole time but clearly, we know the real truth.

Additionally, Jon Lester can stay.

And Jed Lowrie! Little Jedders! Stepping up to fill the, well, actually, he's filling a mediocre at best hole left by Julio Lugo and his Aptly Timed Exploding Quad. But still, he's filling it which is much better than having to resort to the ever-popular cardboard cutouts with oven mitts for hands. I know Seattle is terrible and they're already on their second manager of the season but they're still - allegedly - a major league baseball team. And wins are wins are wins.

More, please?

Brain Dump

(Photo originally from Boston.com, I believe)*

Hi, me again. How's it going? Just a few more things:

You may have noticed - bright, attractive readers that you are - that I've made some changes to the sidebar. I've reorganized a few things, deleted some links to sites that never get updated and added a few new ones.

Of note:

The Adventures of Capewind and Akimbo. Apparently, this running thing is for real. As such, I've expanded my vast blogging empire to dedicate another blog entirely to running and the process of training for a half-marathon, marathon, etc. Amy joins me (she being the Capewind to my Akimbo). I knew you'd all get tired of reading my running details over here so I gave that crap it's own site. It's also a different kind of writing for me since it's less about snark and commentary than it is about introspection and observation. So, you know, navel-gazing. Just what blogs were invented for!

Jezebel. Because those bitches manage to be funny, insightful, thought-provoking and topical ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Plus sometimes they post pictures of baby pandas and stuff.

Postcards from Yo Momma. People send in emails from their mothers. Because, let's face it, sometimes emails from your mom are funny. Yeah, I said your mom. What of it?

These Bastards. Sean from Winking in the Sincere Light and his writing partner Matthew have teamed up to create an Onion-y (mmmmm), Deadspin-ish, satirical, you know, site...thingie. (I iz writur?) Just go read it. Provided you have the time. They are annoyingly prolific and I've already accused Sean of being on speed or farming out his writing duties to a team of shackled monkeys with typewriters. Monkeys who sometimes use big words. C'mon, check it out. It's not like you're working.

Wonkette. Same media network as Jezebel but more politic-y. Tasty, tasty politics. Hope and optimism with a side order of cynical skepticism. Just how I like it.

Oh, right...sports? How's this for an exchange:

Me: I'm still trying to come up with the perfect poetic description for Julio Lugo's aptly timed exploding quad.

Sean: "Julio Lugo's Aptly Timed Exploding Quad" should be turned into a logo, stickered on thousands of brown bottles, and peddled across the country by door-to-door salesmen in ill-fitting suits.

You'll read his stuff now, won't you?

*There is no reason for that picture. I just figured I'd get you to pay attention by posting a picture of David Ortiz with a puppy. Worked, didn't it? I'm shameless.

Crazy Talk

(Photo from Yahoo! Sports)


A selection of comments from All-Star game chat sessions:

Re: The introduction of Hall of Famers

Amy: wade boggs' commitment to the mullet is not as charming as eck's
Me: not even a little bit

Re: The conspicuous absence of Carlton Fisk
Amy: Carlton Fisk probably would have decked someone for old times' sake. Like Yogi Berra.
Me: that would have been AWESOME

Re: Sheryl Crowe singing the National Anthem…badly
Me: OBVIOUSLY this was a gig for the jovi.
Amy: richie's speakerbox would have rocked that

Re: The announcing booth
Amy: if you put joe buck and peyton manning next to each other you would get like a solid foot of forehead

Re: Joe Buck's assumed television tastes
Me: kim and i are discussing how much joe buck loves sex and the city
Amy: oh he does. he fancies himself a samantha
Me: but he was heartbroken when carrie left aidan
Amy: he wept when charlotte got her baby
Me: oh yeah, it was an ugly cry
Amy: "she had...she'd waited f-f-f-for so loooooong"
Me: right into his pint of haagen daaz
Amy: i think he was very wary of mr big
Me: never trusted that guy. too smooth.
Amy: he was so happy when miranda finally got a decent haircut and he could stop writing to the producers about it
Me: "she's got such a pretty face. why do they make her look like a man?"

Re: The Josh Hamilton saga
Kim: joe buck is so happy he gets to talk about josh hamilton some more
me: he loves a bootstrap story
Kim: listening to him you would think he helped get josh hamilton clean.
me: perhaps he thought "my lord and savior jesus christ" was code for "joe buck."
Kim: is that not webster's definition of jesus christ?
me: depends on your edition

Re: The David Ortiz/Brian Urlacher Vitamin Water commercial
Amy: brian urlacher
brian urlacher
brian urlacher
Me: BE A PATRIOT
obviously, we need to get papi to convince him. since they're buds.
Amy: i am trying to make it happen with my mind
Me: and then every day, tommy could be all "hey, remember that time i deked you out? that was awesome."
Amy: and then brian urlacher will hang him up by his underpants
Me: which would be funny for everyone
Amy: vrabes would enjoy that
Me: vrabes would take pictures and put them on the interwebs
Amy: beats the goat

Re: Captain Clutch’s tonsorial issues
Kim: what is up with Jeter’s hair cut?
Me: holding fast to the dream of a kid n' play reunion obviously.

Re: Joe Buck telling the Josh Hamilton story...again
Me: say "smoking crack" again, joe

Fever Dream

(Photo from Yahoo! Sports)

So I've got some kind of weird death flu like thing and I'm on all kinds of drugs and antioxidant stuff and all that business. So I went to bed at 11pm last night so as not to be a walking zombie today.

And then I hear that JD Drew was awarded the All-Star Game MVP.

So I guess my question is...that was a hallucination, right?

Wait, they're at Yankee Stadium? You'd think they would have mentioned that.

(Photo from Yahoo! Sports)

In which Amy and I chat live and talk complete nonsense during the Home Run Derby.

Me: hellooooooo, grady sizemore.
and amy.

Amy: Unf.

Me: srsly. evan longoria is bullshit.

Amy: ROOKIES DO NOT GET TO START ALL STAR GAMES

Me: lance berkman's head is so big. so big.

Amy: justin morneau still looks like polo ponies to me

Me: hello, friendly canadian.

Amy: BRAUNTOSAURUS

Me: justin morneau LOVES polo ponies

Amy: LOOKIT HIS LITTLE FACE

Me: ryan braun's mother is so proud. you can just tell.

Amy: Josh Hamilton is hot. And good. He is my AL pick and Brauntosaurus Rex is my NL pick

Me: did you miss 3 doors down?

Amy: No but their aging scared me.

Me: i did not expect the lead singer to look like that. it was disconcerting.

Me: probably tek was very excited about 3 doors down. probably he will change his at bat music back in honor.

Amy: oh i hope

Me: ok, who's your pick?

Amy: I DON'T KNOW

Me: the prize is years and years or respect and adoration.
HEY DID YOU KNOW IT'S THE LAST YEAR OF YANKEE STADIUM?

Amy: OMG
it is the last year???
HOW ARE THEY GOING TO DEAL WITH THIS?

Me: i am going with morneau, in hopes that he can fix what jason bay did to canada's baseball reputation last year.
MAYBE THEY WILL BRONZE THE ENTIRE STADIUM.
SO MUCH YANKEEOSITY

Amy: I can't pick Morneau since you did. so I will go with Berkman. He is old and knows how to pace himself

Me: excellent, the picks are in.
i am not sure i'm going to make it through hours of derek jeter waxing poetic.

Amy: Seriously. do something about your undereye bags, Jetes

Me: you know what would help that? DRIVEN BY AVON. pehrpas he's heard of it.

Me: also, does chris berman think that when yankees players and red sox players see each other off the field they rumble like in the beat it video?

Amy: YES

Me: actaully, that'd be kind of awesome.

Amy: Dustin Pedroia carries a switchblade phone like me

Me: of COURSE he does. also, a switchblade phone is a necessity in breakdance fighting

Amy: small children in helmets. that is all i need.

Me: wow, justin morneau is going to get his ass kicked.

Me: BUCK UP, CANADA.
HAVE SOME PRIDE.
MAPLE LEAF POWER AND ALL THAT.

Me: you know i'm totally singing Oh Canada to him when it's is turn

Me: fact: joe morgan has never heard of dan uggla before

Amy: Not even a little bit

Me: joe morgan has fallen asleep

Amy: wake him when a red sock or yankee is at bat. he may rouse for the right cub or met. but only if you give him a cookie.

Me: he might just sleep through this whole thing.
hee, that kid fell down. that always makes me laugh. because i'm mean.

Amy: kids falling is funny

Me: UNF GRADY SIZEMORE

Amy: I hope Grady Sizemore has a secret child we do not know about because how cute would that be?

Me: OMG SRSLY

Amy: I feel about David Ortiz the same way I feel about Randy Moss

Me: in what sense?

Amy: We have been without him for so long BUT HE WILL BE BACK and when I see him I realize how much I miss him

Me: oh yes. i feel that way too.

Amy: I think El Montro has been manscaping Papi's eyebrows

Me: i wonder if david ortiz bought a racing team to pass the time

Me: now let us make fun of evan longoria

Me: those are terrible home run swings, EVAN.

Me: OH MY GOD YANKEE STADIUM IS SHAPED LIKE A BEDPAN. STOP WITH THE POETRY.

Amy: I feel like there are 6 of the same guy in this derby.
OH NO THERE IS NO BATTING CAGE AND NO HELMETS

Me: this version sucks at hitting home runs

Amy: WHAT IS EVAN GOING TO DO WITHOUT A HELMET

Me: are we ignoring the fact that the rays just dropped seven in a row and dropped from first place?

Amy: yes. we are also ignoring how spending 10 years developing number 1 draft picks clearly doesn't contribute to winning

Me: GOOD PLAN

Me: where is d'angelo ortiz? that is what i want to know.

Amy: Probably getting airplane rides from Wily Mo

Me: OH FUN

Amy: Remember the year Bobby Abreu won and bears came to eat us?

Me: YES. WE LIVED AT THE HOME RUN DERBY.
I have to change my laundry over.

Amy: GO CHANGE YR LAUNDERS

Me: OKAY, COVER FOR ME, AMY.

Amy: /covers
Hello, people. This is Amy. I am covering. I am wearing a sunbonnet and just ate a burrito. Because what says coverage better than sunbonnets and burritos?
Oh, hello, Young David Wright.
Your hat is kind of funny.

Me: I MISSED DAVID WRIGHT. ?

Amy: yes

Me: wait, the hell is he doing there?

Amy: he was ENJOYING FESTIVITIES

Me: i would like to enjoy some festivities with david wright.

Amy: horizontal festivities

Me: yes. all kinds.

Amy: CHRIS BERMAN IS TALKING ABOUT LORE. HE IS USING HIS LORE TONE

Me: this yankee stadium wankery is making me feel like i need another shower.

Amy: Dear Lance, don't make me ashamed of you, lovens, yr Amy

Me: HIS HEAD IS SO BIG.

Amy: like a beach ball

Me: with a curly mullet adornment

Amy: i think we are going to have reevaulate our picks

Amy: JD Drew made a cute kid, who knew?

Me: dude, jd drew has a really cute kid

Me: well, tek looks properly chagrined to be there.

Me: your pick is smart.

Amy: he is old. he can pace himself. the rest of them are like 11

Me: you know how sometimes when joe morgan is talking it sounds like he forgets he's still talking halfway through?

Amy: yes

Me: sometimes i forget he's talking too.

Amy: he has a nice cadence

Amy: but the cadence says "do not listen to my words"

Amy: this is like the oscars. It’s going to run over.

Me: they should make them hit in evening gowns.

Amy: YES

Me: hey wait, is yankee stadium in new york?

Amy: no i think it is in idaho

Me: gosh, you'd think they'd tell us

Me: OH, CANANDA, MY HOME AND NATIVE LAND

Amy: OUR HOME AND NATIVE LAND
MAPLE LEAFS AND POUTINE

Me: TRUE PATRIOT SONS, ON SOMETHING OUR SOULS COMMAND

Amy: WE STAND FOR YOU, WE STAND

Me: (of something)
WE STAND ON GUARD FORRRRRRRRRR THEEEEEEEEEEEE

Amy: wait a minute...kiwanis club?
wow that is some uncomfortable silence
WHITE GUYS WHITE GUYS

Me: i can't tell if he's being racist or not. are the kiwanas racist?

Amy: i don't know?

Me: WHITE GUYS WHITE GUYS WHITE GUYS

Amy: but i can feel all of them not wanting to talk

Me: well, to be fair, joe's asleep again

Amy: how long till he has to apologize for the kiwanis club comment

Me: do kiwanas watch tv? also, every time i type "kiwanas" i think "koalas."

Amy: that is a club i would join

Me: BUCK UP, CANADA
HEY WE HAVE GOOD PICKS.

Amy: FIST BUMP

Me: FIST BUMP
sometimes we're so smart, it hurts

Amy: i know!

Me: doesn't justin morneau look like someone who has attended a fest or two in his time and has been cajoled into a volleyball tournament by the rick?

Amy: no, he looks like polo ponies and summering in nantucket

Me: sometimes that is the same thing

Amy: LOOK AT BRAUNY! corrance!
i am so proud
MY BREWERS, WORLD
LET ME SHOW YOU THEM

Me: wait, they're in yankee stadium?

Amy: no, i think they are in mets field.
josh hamilton got the pimp spot

Me: of course he does. baseball loves a redemption story. that is why sometimes jason giambi wins the comeback player of the year award. WHICH IS BULLSHIT.

Amy: Josh Hamilton makes my heart sing

Me: i like listening to chris berman dance around the term "crackhead." just say it, chris. they weren't shy about it at the nfl draft

Amy: CRACK. HE WAS ON CRACK

Me: JUST SAY CRACKHEAD, BERMAN. ERYONE KNOWS WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

Amy: it's sort of frightening to think about what he could have done without those lost years

Me: like ted williams. except with crack.

Amy: i am getting a smidge choked up

Me: ian kinsler's favorite band is my chemical romance. fact.

Amy: fall out boy

Me: yes

Amy: CRACK IS NOT A WORKOUT
HE WAS ON CRACK
WHEN YOU ARE ON CRACK, YOU DO NOT WORK OUT

Me: CRACK PIPES ARE NOT HEAVY. why will no one say "crack?"
fyi, we live here now.

Amy: we do. but i'm so freaking proud

Amy: my brother says he taught Josh everything he knows

Me: you know what i want? a biology lesson from tek in re: josh hamilton.

Amy: YES

Me: dude, i know, i could see patcher all over that shit

Me: "even sox fans respect this shrine.” of all the signs you could make, that's what you went with?

Amy: yankee fans are known for their creativity.
i am glad justin morneau doesn't warrant commentary

Me: blah, blah, blah new york, blah, blah, blah. PERHAPS YOU'VE HEARD THAT IF YOU CAN MAKE IT THERE, YOU CAN MAKE IT ANYWHERE.

Amy: even the south pole?

Me: apparently.

Amy: okay so berkman is gone. my pick did not pan out. a braun/hamilton final would be AWESOME.
/JAZZ HANDS

Me: i was just thinking that is like the all amy is happy final

Amy: it is like pie and hugs

Me: only one october? still?

Amy: they are still going with "only one october", huh?

Me: YOU ARE IN MY HEAD.
it's because they spent all their marketing dollars on yankee stadium wankery.

Me: they still won't say "crack."

Amy: yeah. it wasn't a great performance for a former crackhead. it was a great performance.

Amy: josh hamilton looks ever so slightly like bon jovi

Me: yeah, from certain angles, i can see that. i might've googled the jovi today to gaze upon the magnificent visage and marvel at how kind the years have been to him.

Amy: LET'S GO BRAUNTOSAURUS

Me: hiiii joe mauer

Me: it'd be an interesting twist to the story if josh hamilton killed a photographer during the home run derby

Amy: heh. am going hamilton

Me: of course you are.
i am proud of cananda

Amy: canada is lucky to have you.
north carolina has me

Me: i think from here on out, in life, i am going to call justin morneau "canada."

Amy: i can dig that

Me: also, i figure that right now everyone but me, joe mauer and justin morneau's mom are rooting for josh hamilton. so i'm going canada.

Amy: that is probably true

Me: i like to have logical reasons for rooting.

Amy: i completely understand

Me: somtimes i like to pretend i'm canadian.
i almost am. heh.

Amy: french canadian!

Me: yes!

Amy: me too!

Me: so they're building exactly the same yankee stadium. awesome. great. fantastic.

Amy: O CANADA
/KRISTEN
PLS HIT A HOME RUN FOR OUR LAND
wow that worked

Amy: I think the best line of the night was Evan Longoria not doing well because not getting to wear a helmet..
JOSH HAMILTON WILL NOT BE A YANKEE IN 3-4 YEARS
shut up announcers

Me: christ, how depressing

Amy: i sang canada for morneau in your absence

Me: CANADA

Amy: good job winning.
justin morneau is all "yeah i know, you don't want to talk to me"

Me: everyone is all "wow, that was anticlimatic."

Amy: i think it is important that justin morneau won. because he's better than people thinks he is

Me: because people are still pissed that he won the mvp

Me: and by "people" i mean "yankee fans"

Amy: yup

Me: CANADA DESERVES SOME RESPECT.

Amy: they are in new york in case you forgot

Me: new york has done very little in the last 24 hours to endear itself to me

Amy: it should make you a pie

Me: i like pie. ok, i need to sleep now. BUT THANKS FOR THE LIVE CHATTING.

Amy: night!

All's Well that Ends Well

(Photo from Boston.com)

Despite it being dicey there for a while (I suppose that terrible pun should be intended), the Red Sox manage to emerge from the first half of the season in first place. Which is, huh, you know, it's good. Great, actually, considering that David Ortiz has been on the DL seemingly forever and we've had to rely on the likes of JD Drew and Brandon Moss. Not that we don't love Brandon Moss because how could you not? Plus also? Justin Masterson. He's been helpful.

/waves J-Mast champion flag

And then there's Tim Wakefield who occasionally does things like he did on Saturday and becomes absolutely unhittable. When that coincides with an offensive explosion which it almost never does for Wake, we're left with a perfect baseball storm. And a 12-1 victory over the Os.

Yesterday was a whole different kind of game. Grinding and halting and possibly still going on considering Matsuzaka's penchant for working full counts and walking the ballpark and giving people heatstroke by forcing them to sit in the stands for ten million years during the hottest part of the day. Let me put it this way, Amy was a champ and soothed my hangover and sunburn with Tator Tots and air conditioning and we spent an undue amount of time watching Mystery Diagnosis instead of Matsuzaka because, honestly, it was less painful. Also, now we are pretty sure we both have Ebola.

But when all is said and done, the Sox reach the All-Star break in first place. Seven of them will be heading to New York for the game - did you hear it's the last year of Yankee Stadium? They've kept it kind of quiet. You'd really think they'd publicize that. - And some of them, like Sean Casey, will head to the beach. A word of advice, sir? Make sure someone takes responsibility for putting sunscreen on the backs of your legs. Else sitting will be painful for a few days. Trust me.

Sebastian and Ted are lucky enough to have landed tickets to the All-Star game and Seb's a Yankee fan so that promises to be seriously awesome for him. Despite the fact that he won't get to see the Giambi-stache up close and personal, I'm sure he'll have fun and he's promised a guest entry for me. So look forward to that.

Now? Now is the time for Aloe.

Beatdown

(Photo from Boston.com)

Oh, hey, offense. There you are. Nice to see you. Glad to see you're back. You know, for now. Though I don't remember anyone in Boston going on a Hank Steinbrenner-esque tear and screaming at you for not scoring any runs, it's still nice to see that you can on occasion.

Also, hooray bullpen! Sportsdesk tells me that you didn't allow a run during this entire series with the Twins. How about that? I suppose I do believe in miracles after all. Like maybe every time a reliever strands a runner, an angel gets its wings.

Odd showing from Beckett and one that could likely only have been salvaged if the offense decided to go all vengeance and fury and plate eighteen runs. So, you know, good thing for us that happened. And probably also a good thing for Josh Beckett who, I believe, can't get too excited about a pitching performance unless the fate of the free world is on the line. Or so his postseason stats would seem to indicate.

Off day today which is fine by me because I, um, have other plans. And before you even think about getting all judgy and musically superior on me, know that I totally and completely, 100%, unironically and with complete sincerity, LOVE Bon Jovi. And I am not sorry about that. And if you've never experienced the karaoke on steroids rush that is belting out "Blaze of Glory" with 20,000 other sweaty, swaying, like-minded individuals, well, then, you've not really lived, my friend.

Oh Ye of Little Faith

(Photo from Yahoo! Sports)

You guys? I totally didn't see this one. Not a pitch. I was being a good concerned citizen and volunteering at Greta's campaign office and brandishing a democracy gun and all that and getting score updates from Amy and when I checked the score on my phone on the way home and saw that it was 5-2 Twins in the bottom of the 8th...I just figured that was it.

Because my phone is kind of ghetto, see, and it doesn't get the magical internets so I had only the text message from Google to inform me of the score. It didn't say anything about runners on base or Manny hitting a two-run homer or Brandon Moss getting the go-ahead RBI and proving Tito right by giving him the start. I didn't know about any of that until I woke up this morning and turned on SportsDesk and heard Kathryn Tappen talk about the Sox going for the sweep today. And I thought, "Who in the what now?"

When I went to bed, absolutely confident that the Sox were gonna drop this one, I knew only that I wished that Jon Lester had pitched a little better because it would have been kind of fun for him to stick it, pitching-wise, to the team he didn't get traded to. Sort of, "Yeah, you didn't get me and now you get this" (throws 96-mph fastball for strike three).

But all things considered, I guess I'll take what did happen. Which is also, if I am correct, the bullpen for once not imploding. Perhaps it is a new day after all.

Maybe I should ignore the Sox more often. They're back within 3 of first place with Josh Beckett going today.

::sticks fingers in ears::

La la la! No baseball for me!

Meanwhile, I sort of want to have a talk with Brett Favre. Just kind of want to pull him aside and say, "Look, Brett. Love you, mean it. But it's baseball season. People in Milwaukee are finally excited about the Brewers right now and they just got Sabathia and that's pretty awesome and maybe, you know, right now? This isn't about you. You know, maybe. Don't pull an A-Rod, dude. We'll get to you soon enough. Just, you know, go film some more Wrangler commercials or something. That'd be awesome. We'll talk soon. Okay, thanks."

I wonder what Tiffany Ortiz has to say about this.

Wonders never cease

(Photo from Boston.com)

That's what I'm talking about. A well-pitched, defensively well-played game (I will even give credit to Julio Lugo this time) and the Sox are back in the win column. Perhaps I'm just in a good mood today for some reason but even the usual antics of Daisuke "I ::heart:: 3-2 counts" Matsuzaka didn't drive me to drink. Which didn't mean that I wasn't drinking, it just wasn't out of psychological necessity. Because that game seemed to take about four and a half minutes, no? Before I knew it, it was over. That is not a typical feeling for Matsuzaka's starts. Usually I find that I can switch over to like TLC or something and blindly watch an entire episode of that train wreck of a show with the people with eight screaming kids which is somehow STILL less irritating than Matsuzaka's endless full counts and then flip back to find out I've only missed two batters. Not that I'd do that or anything. But, you know, I could.

Normally I find myself yelling at the TV, "You don't get candy for every extra pitch you throw, Daisuke!" as he proceeds to take an 0-2 count to 3-2 before either walking the guy or striking him out with a brilliant pitch that, for the love of all things small and furry, I can't figure out why he didn't use twenty minutes ago.

But last night seemed less irritating. I didn't even want to kill Julio Lugo. Well, no more than usual. Tek is still perplexing in his steadfast insistence on not contributing offensively but we'll let it slide since even Okajima sacked up and got out of a jam. Not something that's been his forte this season as he's been dutifully playing the role of Mike "It's not MY ERA" Timlin.

So well done, gentlemen.

Tonight Little Johnny Lester gets a turn. His last time out he pitched a complete game, five-hit shutout at Yankee Stadium and duplicating that magic isn't going to be easy. But anything approximating a quality start should do.

Additionally, the Sox optioned current pitching boyfriend Justin Masterson to Pawtucket with an eye towards turning him into a reliever. And while I know why this makes sense for the team, because the bullpen, she is scary, I have to admit I'm a little sad for the lefty because I thought he had some quality starter genes in him. I suppose things can always change. Though anyone who looks like they might be able to bail out the bullpen - me, you, that homeless guy in front of the 7-11 - should be given a shot. They need all the help they can get.

Jason Varitek is an All-Star and other insane baseball happenings.

(Photo from Boston.com)

So...a split. Which is sort of like a tie. Which is, apparently, like kissing one's sister. Or so they say. Could've been better. Could've been worse. Could've resulted in the apocalypse if Manny and Papelbon had gotten into the stash of fireworks at Yankee Stadium and decided to play hot foot in the dugout.

What stands out for me, however, is game three in which Justin Masterson, despite taking the loss, only gave up two runs. That is quality pitching and quality pitching is eventually going to get you wins.

Of course, then there's the flip side of the coin. That being the side depicting Coco Crisp, Jason Varitek and Julio Lugo managing not to score a SINGLE FREAKIN' RUN with the bases loaded and no outs despite Mariano Rivera's uncharacteristic pants-shitting. Gentlemen...seriously? You all better have good explanations for yourselves, I'll tell you what.

And Jason Varitek, you, sir, are an All-Star. Look, no one chants the mantra, "Tek's value is not in his offense" more than me. But, dude, eventually, you're going to have to plate a run. The fact that you're headed to the All-Star game because the rest of baseball thinks you're a swell guy is nice and all, but, you know, maybe get a hit once in a while? Just a suggestion. I am only one woman, Tek. I cannot defend you to the legions of pitchfork-wielding masses. Sometimes I need to sleep.

Julio Lugo, of course, continues to interfere with my enjoyment of the game and I would like him removed from the ballpark posthaste.

Now that all the dust has settled from this long holiday weekend, we find the pain in the ass Rays in first place by five games. FIVE! I find that wrong and disturbing. Perhaps the All-Star break can't come soon enough.

Speaking of things that happen around the All-Star break, I'd like to thank the Brewers for trading for C.C. Sabathia and reminding everyone that there are teams besides the Red Sox and the Yankees. And also sparing us all the weeks of speculative nonsense and Sabathiababble. Much appreciated. Also? Nice work.

David Ortiz advises you on firework safety.

(Photo from Boston.com)

"Just sit back, relax, crack open a beer and let someone else light the fuse. So long as it's not Manny. Oh, and watch the eyebrows."

Happy Fourth, everyone. Enjoy!

My final plea

(Original photo from Yahoo! Sports)

Or maybe it should say, "Does not play well with others." Apparently.

Or "Does not follow directions."

I thought I was fairly clear. In the interest of me not taking abuse from my grandmother this weekend, the Red Sox were to win last night's game as well as tonight's series finale against the Rays. They had Tim Wakefield going last night. Tim Wakefield has beaten the Rays more than any other pitcher in the history of ever. (Stats skewed, of course when you consider that the longest-tenured Devil Ray is Carl Crawford with a whopping five years of service. I have had stuff in my refrigerator longer). But still. And then you refuse to score runs for Wakefield. Again, some more.

Look, if I’ve warned you once, I’ve warned you a thousand times. So don’t come crying to me when Wake starts openly fashioning a Julio Lugo voodoo doll in the dugout out of sunflower seeds and Big League Chew and the front office begins receiving suspicious packages with grainy Polaroids of Brandon Moss holding up today's Boston Globe with ransom notes demanding "Runs. Or the redhead gets it."

Now, can we please just win today's game so I can save some face this weekend and celebrate the Fourth the way it was intended? By drinking warm beer on a Super Bouncer in the middle of a lake in Maine while dodging firework detritus and remaining secure in the knowledge that my team didn't just get swept by a bunch of upstarts who play on a putt-putt course?

Do it for America.

Blargh

(Photo from Yahoo! Sports)

I guess this is just further proof that with a game on the line, God help us all if we have to turn to Julio Lugo. I think we'd be better off with rain dances and impassioned pleas to our spirit guides or maybe good, old fashioned bargaining with the gods. But then, can I see a show of hands for those of you who are surprised by that?

That's what I thought.

This is all disconcerting. Not just the whole losing thing but the fact that my grandparents are scheduled to arrive in New Hampshire from Florida sometime today and I will lay good money on the fact that the first thing my grandmother says to me is some shit talk about the first place Rays. Familial love, I guess.

So obviously, the choice is simple. The Red Sox need to win the next two games. That's clearly all there is to it. Then they'll be in first place again. Everything will be fine, no?

Okay, let's go with that.