Another Reason To Get TiVo

Tonight at 8:30 PM on NESN, "Remdawg Unleashed." Jerry Remy outtakes.

I...is there really anything else that needs to be said?

Times like these are when I love being a Boston sports fan. Where else do networks dedicate an entire block of programming to the wisdom and exploits of a beloved announcer?

Over/under on mechanical bull references?

Set those VCRs/DVRs/Tivos, kids. You won't want to miss this.

Apparently, you do not mess with Julian Tavarez either.

(photo from Boston.com)

Evidently, I'm not the only one who's antsy to get baseball started in earnest.

Does anyone else think it's just a little too coincidental that the new guy on the team who looks like Freddy Kreuger is apparently already comfortable taking people down?

So let's see, we've got Timlin and his crossbow, Wakefield and his rifle, Varitek and his glove, Kapler and his Forearms of Doom, Seanez and his Ultimate Fighting, Trot and his...well, his crazy, and now Tavarez and his right hook.

Are the Red Sox sending a message or were anger management classes passed over this spring in favor of "Macaroni and Glitter Art with Manny" Day?

All I know is that somewhere, Alex Rodriguez is hiding behind Gary Sheffield.

Do. Not. Mess. With. Timlin.

(photo from Boston.com)

I cannot make this stuff up.

You know, there are times when I think that the Imaginary Baseball World that exists in my head is really getting out of control. I sometimes think that there's no way that these players lives can possibly be as hilarious/exciting/absurd as I've convinced myself they are.

And then I read something like this. And I realize, I am but scratching the surface.

Just go. It's so excellent.

All I know is, if I'm Tanyon Sturtze or Alex Rodriguez or the like, I have THE FEAR of Mad Mike. And with good reason.

A Warning

Dear Red Sox Front Office:

Do. Not. EVEN.

K Thanx,

Red Sox Nation

Say It Ain't So

Oh, Adam, oh, oh, NO.

The thing is: I had totally planned to blog tonight about spring training and how Florida is hot and how I saw Gabe Kapler and Mike Lowell at Blu Sushi and how Gabe Kapler is superhuman and can crush mere mortals with his Forearms of Death and how I taught my Devil Rays fan grandmother how to keep score and how it was excellent and baseball is happening soon and yay. And then...everything went to shit. Seriously, in the sports world, this is Make Kristen Cry Week. And the powers that be are doing a bang up job.

First, Sergei Samsonov gets traded.

Then, Willie McGinest jumps ship to rejoin Romeo Crennel in Cleveland (this news reported to me on the phone by my mother in a tone of voice usually reserved for reporting a death in the family).

And then the Sox pull the rug out from Bronson Arroyo and ship him off to freakin' Cincinnati. (Found out via text message from Annette the second my plane touched down yesterday afternoon).

And then, today, just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, I nearly fall face first off the elliptical machine at the gym when ESPN reported that Vinatieri had signed with the Colts.

I...don't even know what to say anymore. But it's safe to say that I'm going to have to move my triumphant return to drinking up a few days.

American Idol better be damned good tonight (don't bother, I've kicked my own ass for this many times already).

I need...several drinks.

Wingin' It

I'm off to fly the friendly skies to sunny, baseball bedecked Fort Myers, kids. There likely won't be any updates this week as I suspect internet connection will be spotty and I'll be far too busy stalking, er, watching various baseball players and harrassing Theo about why we've not yet found a way to get Dougie back on the team. My brother would be proud. My luggage is firmly encased in a Mirabelli special rolling duffle.

Have a Happy St. Patrick's Day, everyone. See y'all next week!

Notice Has Been Served

(photo from Boston.com)

Jason Varitek will be hitting grand slams this year. He would like you to know that all your concerns about a nearly 34-year-old catcher without a consistent backup are hooey and he is paying them no mind.

Instead, he would like to direct your attention to the ball he's just launched into straightaway center for a grand slam.

So to all of you wondering whether Tek is up to the task this year, there's your answer.

For Your Consideration

Just further evidence that Marianne and I should be running television. And baseball.

I realize that NESN has (or had during that whole NHL lockout thingie) a show called Camo Country starring that chemically imbalanced fisherman and a local athlete tromping through the woods, sporting camo jumpsuits and orange hunting vests and shooting things. And that’s all well and good (I guess) but isn’t it about time we really embrace the, er, more interesting facets of the personalities of our favorite Red Sox players and deep six the fisherman? I mean, do we really need him?

Consider this for the 2006 offseason or for rebroadcast during rainouts: Killin’ Stuff with Mad Mike and Trotter. An urban hunting show starring local loonies Mike Timlin and Trot Nixon. Instead of your average hunting show set in the mountains of New Hampshire or the backwoods of Maine, Killin’ Stuff will utilize our own urban backdrop.

Picture Mike Timlin, emerging Apocalypse Now style from the duck pond, decoy Canadian goose on his head, crossbow at the ready, as he takes aim at an obese squirrel in the act of getting it’s picture taken by tourists from New Brunswick who’ve evidently never encountered such wildlife before. Imagine the surprise on the faces of the tourists when the photogenic squirrel keels over in front of them. Imagine the surprise of the squirrel.

Cut to Trot Nixon, decked out in head to toe Red Sox camo gear, perched in a flowering tree and making duck calls. Taking aim with the rifle site attached to the brim of his Sox hat (camo style, of course).

I feel confident that while the rest of their teammates play Grand Theft Auto or MLB '06 in the clubhouse, Mad Mike and Trotter engage in epic battles of old school Nintendo Duck Hunt. This will just utilize that training.

You’re telling me you wouldn’t watch this?

Look, NESN has got to do something for offseason programming. I’ve been watching American goddamn Idol for crissakes.

Coming Soon to Theaters!

Manny Ramirez stars in Alien v. Predator 2: Hair of the Dog.

I mean, right? That would certainly explain the, uh, tonsorial issues.

Honestly, I don't even know what to say about him anymore.