"Hell may have no fury like a woman scorned but heaven hath no sweetness like a sports fan vindicated." - Samcat

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

For Your Consideration

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Just further evidence that Marianne and I should be running television. And baseball.

I realize that NESN has (or had during that whole NHL lockout thingie) a show called Camo Country starring that chemically imbalanced fisherman and a local athlete tromping through the woods, sporting camo jumpsuits and orange hunting vests and shooting things. And that’s all well and good (I guess) but isn’t it about time we really embrace the, er, more interesting facets of the personalities of our favorite Red Sox players and deep six the fisherman? I mean, do we really need him?

Consider this for the 2006 offseason or for rebroadcast during rainouts: Killin’ Stuff with Mad Mike and Trotter. An urban hunting show starring local loonies Mike Timlin and Trot Nixon. Instead of your average hunting show set in the mountains of New Hampshire or the backwoods of Maine, Killin’ Stuff will utilize our own urban backdrop.

Picture Mike Timlin, emerging Apocalypse Now style from the duck pond, decoy Canadian goose on his head, crossbow at the ready, as he takes aim at an obese squirrel in the act of getting it’s picture taken by tourists from New Brunswick who’ve evidently never encountered such wildlife before. Imagine the surprise on the faces of the tourists when the photogenic squirrel keels over in front of them. Imagine the surprise of the squirrel.

Cut to Trot Nixon, decked out in head to toe Red Sox camo gear, perched in a flowering tree and making duck calls. Taking aim with the rifle site attached to the brim of his Sox hat (camo style, of course).

I feel confident that while the rest of their teammates play Grand Theft Auto or MLB '06 in the clubhouse, Mad Mike and Trotter engage in epic battles of old school Nintendo Duck Hunt. This will just utilize that training.

You’re telling me you wouldn’t watch this?

Look, NESN has got to do something for offseason programming. I’ve been watching American goddamn Idol for crissakes.