Many Happy Returns Doesn't Quite Seem Appropriate

I would ask what I missed but I am 100% certain that I don't want to know. Look, just because I decided to quit life for a few days and behave like an irresponsible teenager (albeit one with a legal right to drink alcohol), does not mean that the Red Sox and Patriots were free to do the same. Kee-rist. Some things have to stay the same around here and when I come back to a smoking crater of suck, it's nearly enough to get me to turn that Zipcar right around again and head for parts unknown.

I cannot leave those jerks alone for one, single, solitary second.

So I shall focus on the good things that happened when I was gone. All two of them:

Thing one: David Ortiz set the single season Red Sox home run record. This apparently happened on Thursday while I was at a concert as The Rick called me to yell at me because I wasn't at my post. To make it up to him, and to Papi, Amy told the rock star about it on Friday. We are spreading the good word, people. David Ortiz deserves that much.

Thing two: Laurence Maroney, in addition to being a freakin' kickass running back, is also evidently a capable receiver. Who knew? The only problem with this is that since we have no actual receiving corps to speak of, he might be forced to catch the ball more than originally planned. Which poses an issue of another sort considering that now Corey Dillon is apparently hurt. And there we go with the bad things again.

Man, the Patriots are supposed to be the good child too.

I understand that sports can't always be sunshine and bunnies and roses on mountaintops. But it'd be nice to return to everyday life without seeing that things had been shot completely to hell. Although, I suppose if we're speaking karmically, I'm in for a little suck on the part of my sports teams. But they best rest assured, from here on out, I WILL BE WATCHING. And they best make me proud. Or at the very least, I don't want to have to don the paper bag.