Kason Gabbard is a Real Boy!
(photo from Yahoo! Sports)
I am going to say this very slowly so we all understand it. The Red Sox won a 1-0 game pitched by Kason Gabbard. Yeah, that's not a typo. 1-0. Against the White Sox. Defending World Series Champion White Sox if you want to get technical about it. With Kason Gabbard pitching? Who? Exactly.
Now, I know I've made mention of that fact that I'm actually capable of controlling the world with my mind, but this is starting to get ridiculous. I said yesterday, in this very space, "I suppose anything can happen. He could be the second coming of Cy Young." Clearly, I don't even know my own powers.
So here's what I propose: For the rest of the season, no one with an actual name is allowed to pitch for this team. No "Josh," no "Curt," no "Matt" (heh, right), no "Mike" and no "Jonathan." From now on, only people with made up names can pitch. We can re-christen them if need be, but no pitchers with names that don't cause standardized test scorers to weep will be allowed. After all, Kason Gabbard is an anagram for, among other things, "A Bag Drank SOB" and "A Barb Sank Dog." So I'll be taking suggestions for the rest of the pitching staff to get this campaign off the ground. Just imagine what we can do with a Toots O'Conran and a Timeddy Briggs. Big things, people, I see big things.
Also? Alex Gonzalez. Sole RBI. Damn straight.* By the way, Alex Gonzalez is an anagram for "A Ax Gel Nozzle. " Did someone say "gel nozzle?" That can only mean one thing: Mike Vrabel. And Mike Vrabel means football. 'Bout damn time.
*Edit: Check that. It was Coco with the sole RBI. I think I just wanted it to be Gonzalez because that would have irritated Marianne more. Heh.