All this up and down motion is making me nauseous.

I am an old woman. I can't be jerked around like this. I am fragile.

You can't be swept by the effing Royals and then sweep the Orioles and then have Josh Beckett forget how to pitch. This yo-yo business has to stop. It is not good for my heart. And my heart needs to rest because, did you hear? Snakes on a Plane! Friday. I could not possibly be more excited. I'll tell you one thing, Samuel L. Jackson would not put up with this shit. That's for damn sure.

Anyways...while we're here, WHAT IS YOUR DAMAGE, JOSH BECKETT?

Jesus. He seriously hasn't won a game since Dave Matthews played Fenway. Or, you know, thereabouts. I am reasonably certain this is NOT what he's getting paid roughly eleventy billion dollars for.

Also, my roommate said to me today, "Is Matt Clement still on this team?" I told her that all evidence to the contrary, he appeared to still be alive. As for "on this team" well...I'm willing to bet that when Tek went down, Clement threatened to hold his breath until he passed out if Tito even so much as thought of having him pitch to anyone else. For purely masochistic reasons, this would be a hilarious, madcap adventure, watching Clement lob a baseball - between heaving sobs, of course - to Javy Lopez who will no doubt sit cross-legged behind the plate a la Tony Pena because shit, if the pitchers ain't even gonna try, why should he run all over the place attempting to field the ball?

I say "attempting" because, yeah. Wow.

Mike Lowell, however, can stay. Oh, informal poll: You can tell Mike Lowell was an Eagle Scout just by loooking at him. Discuss.

Great, the Red Sox broke me.