All Your Javy Lopezes Belong To Us

Fucking hell, Josh Beckett. Now do you see what you did? The babies are crying. Don't you feel like a shit? You should. Because here's the thing: I don't know if they taught you this in pitching school, but if you're gonna give up a grand slam in addition to two other home runs, you're probably not going to win the game. Just a refresher. I'm just sayin', maybe in the future, LESS time snorting MetRx protein powder off BU undergrads, MORE time working with the catchers on scouting reports.

Bah! Bah! Bah! Don't give me the "But Huckaby's not my regular catcher" bullshit. Ken Huckaby once broke Derek Jeter. And that, dear sir, is quite enough for most of us. So suck it up and pitch like your contract is justified. I mind the home runs, of course, but I mind them less when they're solo jobs. Grand slams are another thing entirely. Those are for Manny to be hitting, not the opposition. And I don't know how they did things in Florida, but around these parts, we will TAKE AWAY YOUR FHM CALENDAR and we will STOP PAYING FOR YOUR IN-ROOM CINEMAX if you don't deliver. Don't make us hold your Hummer hostage and force you to drive a Camry. Don't think we won't do it.

Now, on to more positive news. Javy Lopez is apparently a Red Sox. We have a monopoly on Javy Lopezes in baseball. As Marianne observed, "the catcher hotpocalypse is upon us." Indeed. I mean, just look how happy he is to be shirtless. Aesthetics aside, Javy is a former All-Star who's still a valuable bat off the bench and is a good choice at backup. He's been spending most of the year as Rodrigo Lopez's personal catcher in Baltimore which may account for his less than stellar stats. And the way I figure it, it can't get much worse. So I'm happy about this. Javy was my brother's favorite player back when he was with the Braves so I've tangentially followed his career for years. And when he ended up in Baltimore and Marianne started sending me shirtless pictures of him, well, I'm not gonna front like I didn't pay a little more attention. Also, when I was in Baltimore a couple months ago, Javy hit a home run to help beat the Yankees. Conclusion: He loves me. Oh, and I want you all to know that Marianne and I figured out how he was going to end up on the Red Sox DAYS AGO. Because our mental powers are not to be trifled with. I'd post the emails but, well, there's other...things in there and sometimes my mom reads my blog. Hi, Mom!

Anyway, I likely won't catch most of tonight's game as I'll be jamming out to Appetite for Destruction with Amy and Marianne. Dude, don't even, this is like the least embarassing thing I've done, musically speaking, in forever. But I trust that Schilling will take the reigns and show that punk Beckett how it's done.