"Hell may have no fury like a woman scorned but heaven hath no sweetness like a sports fan vindicated." - Samcat

Friday, July 21, 2006

His Pimp Hand Is Strong

(photo from Boston.com)

I'm pretty sure I've stolen that post title from Red. But I trust he'll forgive me. Also, like I wasn't gonna use that picture? (Edit: Apparently SG had the same idea on the picture as well. Heh.) Pshaw, okay. I like to think that David Ortiz, taking the day off yesterday and chillin' in the dugout with his sunglasses, headband and pink Vitamin Water (or Papi Water as we've renamed it), had a little talk with his offense. He probably reminded them that even though it's technically only necessary to score one more run than the other guys, it's often a lot more fun to score, you know, more than that. He probably showed them what hitting looks like by cranking up some footage of his towering home runs and demonstrated how awesome it was to take a slo-mo pimp stroll around the bases. Then, I'm guessing, he told them that scoring runs for Curt is a particularly good thing because when you do, he won't corner you at your locker for thirty-five minutes after the game and discuss Everquest with you to work out his frustrations.

Then he sent them all on their way to do his bidding, as he sat back and enjoyed the applesauce being spoon-fed to him by a Playboy model. Because, as Sam so deftly observed, "We're all just hoes in the semi-legal employ of Pimp Papi." Truer words have never been spoken.

And so score runs they did. Of course, they also let the Rangers score a few as well but Papi can't do everything. Papi don't pitch or play defense, after all. Some things, these boys gotta do for themselves. However, unlikely RBIs from The Catcher and Wily Mo were most welcome. Wily Mo hit one so far that it knocked over Rangers right fielder Mark DeRosa. Knocked him clean over. It was excellent many hours later when I saw it upon review because *grumblegrumble*GameDay*grumblegrumble*

Mark Loretta has evidently been taking lessons at the Jeremy Giambi school of baserunning. Lord help us all.

And speaking of Giambis and things that suck, the Blue Jays victimized the Yankees and Indomitable Closer Mariano Rivera (I think that's his official name now) for a walk off win off the bat of Vernon Wells. I present to you the email received from The Rick mere seconds after Wells' jumped on home plate, getting mobbed by his teammates (though someone needs to learn something from Ortiz as he didn't remove his helmet and will surely have one HELL of a headache today):

Subject: Yankees lose, Yankees lose, Yankeeees Loooose!
Body: Vernon Wells is good, huh? Actually really good. And VERY underated. And I also like Frank Catalanatotoloalotoaonnnoto - or whatever his name is. Maybe Shea is right - the Blue Jays should be better - Gibbons should not have yanked Halladay in the 8th.

For serious, dude, what is up with Shea Hillenbrand?

Anyway, back to 2.5 games up in the standings and things are lookin' all right. See? This is what happens when you listen to Pimp Papi.

Oh, you may also have noticed that I added a new link to the sidebar. The Papel-Blog. Check it out. Frankly, these chicks are renting a luxury suite in Imaginary Baseball World and I cannot for the life of me figure out why we don't know each other yet. The poor universe, she can't take it.