"Hell may have no fury like a woman scorned but heaven hath no sweetness like a sports fan vindicated." - Samcat

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

The Pitch

Memo to NESN/ESPN/FSN/OLN, all applicable sports networks:

Please consider giving David Ortiz and Jonathan Papelbon their own show immediately.

I don't care what you call it. Possibly "Hangin' with Paps and Papi." Or "The Robot and the Papel-Bot." Or, I don't know, "Asskickers '06." But whatever you decide to call it, please put it on the air. I know of absolutely no one who wouldn't watch this. It would be a sort of Odd Couple for the new millenium. And it? Would RULE.

You could split it up into different segments. A cooking segment, for instance, where Papi teaches Jonathan how to make mango salsa. Followed by the segment where Jonathan teaches Ortiz how to milk a cow (I did not make that up. Papelbon actually won a cow-milking contest in the minor leagues, having never done such a thing before).

There could be a segment with catchphrases and vocabulary like the D'Angelo's "Big Papi Says" ads. (Link shamelessly stolen from Beth to whom I owe ten thousand thank yous).

Scrabble Time with Jonathan would also be a hit where he explains, in his cornfed, farm boy accent about whupping ass at Scrabble. Complete with a special dance for a triple word score.

Then, of course, there's the Culture and Style segment where Papi discusses the importance of proper accesorizing and Papelbon displays how camo goes with everything.

And how about a Trip to the Barber with Papi and Paps? Mohawks and fades for everyone!

Think of the Very Special Episodes with special guests Rem Dawg, Eck, Curtis Leskanic, Pedro Martinez and Manny.

And, of course, the show would always end with an instructional segment on handshakes and hugs. And Jonathan's assessment that, "Big Papi, man, he's a special one."

Look, we already know these two can act. If we remember Ortiz's Comcast spots and his inherent flair for the dramatic and Papelbon's stunning work for a local car dealership.

I could take an informal poll to see who would watch this, but I'm willing to bet that the only people who would decline would be Yankees fans (so much do they quiver in fear of these two), or people who have been clinically proven to be without souls. Sad.

So, applicable sporting networks, please consider this new programming for your station. Get your pitches in early. I sense a bidding war shaping up.

Loyal Viewer