"Hell may have no fury like a woman scorned but heaven hath no sweetness like a sports fan vindicated." - Samcat

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Cheer up, Milwaukee. That Ryan Braun kid is the real deal.

(Photo from Boston.com)

The thing about taking in yesterday's day game from the upper bleachers is that I didn't have to listen to Tim McCarver and Joe Buck waxing poetic about Ryan Braun and positively embarrassing themselves with the mancrushing. The great thing about watching today's game from my apartment is that I was able to take in Jerry Remy's version of same. Truly, truly excellent. Of course, it did force him to face a bit of an existential crisis as Remy is a noted opponent of interleague play.

Remy: It's nice to see a guy like that play. That kid is the real deal.

Orsillo: Well, that's why interleague play is nice. You can see players like Braun.

Remy: (pauses) Or you could just watch the highlights and see him that way.

Jerry Remy is a man who sticks with his principles. He likes bunting and stealing bases and does not approve of new-fangled things like interleague play. And I dig that about him.

Yesterday's game was exactly what a baseball game should be. It was beautiful, it was sunny, it was a good game - not a blow out, things were kept interesting but the Sox prevailed in the end - there was a Papelbon save and a David Ortiz home run. Also, Amy and I were in row 30 of section 36 in the upper bleachers and do you know how many seats there are in row 30 of section 36? Two. That's how many. Do you know how many times Amy and I had to get up to let people out for beer/food/bathroom runs? Zero. Zero times. Baseball bliss. Except for the asshole in front of us who was exactly the kind of loudmouthed jerk who gives all Red Sox fans a bad name (I think an open letter to that guy is in the works, have no fear), things were wonderful.

And Jason Varitek, I am duty bound to report, has finally changed his at bat music. After about eight straight years of Three Doors Down's "Kryptonite," Tek has made a change. Unfortunately, he's changed it to that damn Rascal Flatts "Me and My Gang" song that my brother and his friends like to sing when they're hammered. Ugh. I'm going to pretend Tek did that to help my brother deal with the loss of Dougie. That seems the only logical reason.

Prior to the game, Amy and I staked out a spot near the Brewers dugout so she could hopefully get some autographs. That didn't quite happen (though today she managed to get Mike Cameron's and David Riske's) but she DID have an exchange with Ryan Braun about his contract and I have to say, Ryan Braun? Is ADORABLE. Seriously. We're lucky he doesn't play here because the squealing would deafen even the hardiest of souls.

And while that was awesome and all, it wasn't quite as great as the conversations Amy and I had during the game about all manner of things including Julio Lugo's spirit guide.

Me: I still don't like him. He's shifty. My grandmother thought he was shifty when he played for the Rays.

Amy: He is shifty. He does that thing where he pulls his jersey up like he's speaking to a little man that lives in there or something.

Me: Possibly.

Amy: Maybe it's his spirit guide. Maybe he's asking his spirit guide what to do.

Me: His spirit guide is telling him to ground into a shit ton of double plays and fuck up some pretty routine grounders.

Amy: Yeah, you know you're fucked when your spirit guide hates you.

Then later on in the game we noticed that Craig Hansen and Mike Timlin were chatting with each other in the bullpen.

Me: What the hell do you imagine those two have to talk about?

Amy: (in her Craig Hansen stoner voice) So, dude, like what time did you get up today? I got up like five minutes ago. (Pause) Dude, have you ever played with like five dogs at once? It's a lotta dogs but it's pretty awesome, I gotta say.

Me: And the whole time Mike Timlin is mentally sharpening his crossbow?

Amy: Naturally.

Of course, Julio Lugo came up again and managed to ground into some sort of 2-3-5-7 or something double play.

Me: How the hell do you score that?

Amy: I'm going with a skull and crossbones.

Me: Fitting.

On the whole, Brewers fans are incredibly nice (and attractive) people and they probably deserve better than a sweep. Not that I'm complaining about the Red Sox winning, mind you, though I am a bit concerned about Josh Beckett's second straight mediocre start but the Brewers have some really fun players. They're fun to watch. And Ryan Braun matching David Ortiz home run for home run is certainly impressive.

Also? The Gabe Kapler Goodwill Tour continues unabated. There is no one that man won't hug. And there is absolutely no one who doesn't want to stop and talk to him for at least twenty minutes. Frankly, I'm surprised the dude had time to get any batting practice in what with all the hugging and the laughing and the reminiscing. Perhaps Gabe Kapler and Sean Casey should run for public office together when this baseball thing is over.

We also saw Bob Ueker hanging out before the game and the Brewers fans around us started chanting "Ueeeek!" to the endless confusion of several Red Sox fans as there was nary a bald, bearded first basemen to be found.

Me: How come no one has made a Bob Ueker/Kevin Youkilis commercial yet?

Amy: That's like a Sportscenter spot waiting to happen.

Me: Well, we're bugged so probably it will be tomorrow.

All in all, I enjoy the Red Sox return to scoring runs and winning baseball games. That's a nice thing to see. Apparently we've also wrested possession of first place away from Tampa Bay for the time being. As for right now, I'm about to have a lazy Sunday night watching the Mets take on the last place (hee) Yankees. That's gonna be fun while it lasts. God save us all from Joe Morgan.