"Hell may have no fury like a woman scorned but heaven hath no sweetness like a sports fan vindicated." - Samcat

Friday, February 08, 2008

こんにちは日本に (Welcome to Japan! Or a rough approximation thereof.)

(Boston.com photo)

You guys? Something just occurred to me. Jonathan Papelbon is going to Japan. I mean, yes, technically the entire Red Sox team will be traveling to Japan to start the 2008 season as defending World Series Champs and all that but what I'm really concerned about here is Jonathan Papelbon. Because Japan is not ready for him. No way. No how.

I mean, look at that dude. He is not right. And he's our kind of not right and we've learned to love him for the crazy and embrace the insanity and we've all perfected smiling and not making any sudden movements lest we provoke an outburst of fucko bazoo. But there is no way the entire country of Japan is prepared for this.

I suspect he's already started driving Okajima and Matsuzaka crazy with 4am phone calls about what kind of shoes he's allowed to wear and how he heard they eat raw fish over there and he ain't sayin' nothin' but where he comes from, we use the bait to catch a bigger fish. Then we fry that one up with some tarter sauce, you know what I'm sayin'?

Of course, he's also one of those people who firmly believes that if he speaks louder and more slowly to foreigners, they'll understand him better. Which is really going to be something considering Paps' issues with voice modulation.

So while Jacoby will be ultra culturally sensitive, bowing at everyone and refusing to wear shoes out of the airport just to make sure he doesn't offend anyone, Paps will be yelling about Nintendo and wanting to know where "y'all make them iPod thingies and also, Timlin told me I gotta get some a that Godzilla-b-Gone 'cause I don't wanna get eaten by no monsters, I'll tell you whut."

Although something tells me he's going to take quite a liking to Mrs. Matsuzaka (whom, as Luna pointed out, he will call "Mrs. K") and she to him. Possibly because she'll appreciate the enthusiasm. Or possibly because he'll need a babysitter and Tek is only one man.

Regardless, I kind of can't wait. NESN has dropped the ball on the "Hangin' with Paps and Papi" that I still contend needs to happen but if no one sees fit to follow Jonathan Papelbon around Japan with a camera and broadcast the resulting insanity directly to us, well, someone hates fun. I'll even volunteer. Hell, I could use a vacation.

Also, let's all give a hearty congratulations to Patrick, Amy's younger brother who, besides doing one hell of a Jonathan Papelbon Intimidation Face impression, is also now an official college baseball player. One time he pitched 7 innings of 1-hit ball and caught an entire other game with a burst appendix. Patrick's the real deal, y'all. Look out for him. Good on ya, Patcher.