"Hell may have no fury like a woman scorned but heaven hath no sweetness like a sports fan vindicated." - Samcat

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

This Campaign Sponsored by Hooters and Bud Ice

(Whoever's picture this is, YES. You rule.)

In lieu of a game breakdown because: rain, I've decided to share with you a conversation I had today with Marianne and Annette over email. As you know, Marianne is an Orioles fan. "Long-suffering" seems repetitive at the moment. After Sunday's brain fart on the part of Perlazzo, Marianne has decided only one thing can save the Orioles. And Annette and I are always down for madness. Herewith, the discussion:

Marianne: Millar for Manager. The grassroots campaign begins...
Me: /waves placard
Marianne: I have all the necessary skills to make this dream a reality, I think.
Annette: That would be TERRIFYING. He would totally institute a nekkid in the dugout Wednesday rule.
Marianne: Naturally. And umpires who make bad calls? Get empty beer cans thrown at them from the dugout. He is exactly the leader the Orioles have been missing since Earl Weaver retired.
Annette: Empty? That wouldn't covey nearly enough pain to fully express his distress. They would be full. And then the umpire would have to die for making him waste a perfectly good beer.
Me: I don't think Millar is one to waste beer. This is just another reason why this must happen. Also, Marianne, we work in marketing. We are qualified to make this happen. First step...some of those free stripper necklaces with Millar's face on them.
Marianne: I just don't think there's any way Kevin Millar holds out long enough to not drink the beer. During the game. In tribute to Earl, who used to smoke a pack of cigarettes every game and kick dirt on the ump's shoes, Millar will drink a 6-pack every game and piss on the umpires once he's good and loaded. The strippers will be proud supporters of this effort. They know their tips will increase due to the fact that Millar will always buy the Player of the Game a lapdance.
Me: Precisely. I think we need to go old school with this campaign. Like those straw boater hats people used to have with candidates names on them? Instead, we'll have beer helmets with Millar Lite.
Marianne: "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" is the campaign song.
Me: Obviously. Somehow KFC gets a cross-promotion for this.
Marianne: Natty Boh, 98 Rock and Larry Flynt's Hustler Club are the local sponsors. National sponsors include KFC, Jack Daniels and Harley Davidson.
Me: He will, of course, reinstitute the whole "taking shots of JD before an important game" thing.
Marianne: Brian Roberts will have to covertly replace his whiskey with apple juice, is all. Also, Ray Lewis will campaign on his behalf. And ain't nobody gonna say no to RayRay.
Me: Cross promotion with the Ravens? Oh yeah. Ray-Ray will start something like "Bitches for the Birds" for both teams.
Marianne: Correction: "Big Booty Bitches for the Birds"
Me: Of course. My mistake. We should get that copyrighted.
Marianne: Millar is going to be the best manager ever.
Kristen: Although those 7th inning stretch Harley races are going to be hell on the infield.
Marianne: That's all part of home field advantage. He learned that from Belichick.
Annette: The new souvenir stand called Tits-n-Ammo is totally happening on his watch.
Me: Plus free tattoos for the fans.
Marianne: Well, for the Fan of the Game, at least.
Me: And Millar's all about gender equality and fairness, so there'd be a fan vote to determine which player has to play shirtless every game.
Marianne: YESSSSS. Also, he's also going to have a tunnel built under the field to creat a direct path between the dugout and Boog's Barbecue.
Annette: And the National Anthem shall be belched before all home games. Except on those days where he gets someone to armpit fart it.
Marianne: Winner: Annette.
Me: If this vision comes to pass, I'm pretty sure we're all winners.
Annette: If this vision comes to pass, the real winners will be the children.

This is a grass roots movement and a worthy cause. What do you say? ARE YOU WITH US??