"Hell may have no fury like a woman scorned but heaven hath no sweetness like a sports fan vindicated." - Samcat

Friday, December 08, 2006

Olde Time Hockey

Would you wanna mess with this dude?

Marianne and I attended the Bruins’ game last night. Now, remember how last year, everyone was all excited for hockey to be back and they went to every game and getting a ticket was actually quite hard considering they were the Bruins and really upping the ante on this whole “sucking” thing? Yeah, well, people appear to be over it. Lots of empty seats last night. And the biggest cheer of the night was undoubtedly for Troy Brown who was shown on the scoreboard between periods. I’m sure he was there in some sort of official spokesman for TD Banknorth capacity but I like to believe that he was ready to strap on a pair of skates and play defense if the need arose. At this point, would anyone really be surprised? I sent a text message to Amy, “TROY BROWN IS HERE!” I said. She wrote back, “Is he playing?” “No,” I said, but he is wearing a lemon-yellow polo shirt and dad jeans.” And Troy Brown is likely the only person who can make that look badass.

I was kind of hoping they’d show Ray Bourque and Jason Varitek too, if they were there, considering their incredibly wooden and stilted ads for TD Banknorth on WEEI are the height of comedy, (and also because I love them), but it was not to be. Probably just as well. I think the actual Bruins on the ice would have gotten annoyed.

Those actual Bruins actually took it upon themselves to play all three periods too. Which is quite something since they’re known for stopping after two. In fact, they scored all three of their goals in the third period, besting the Maple Leafs (why does no one else get annoyed at the incorrect pluralization of “leaf?”), 3-1. Unfortunately, Andrew Raycroft wasn’t in goal for the LEAVES, so we didn’t get to harass him. But Hal Gill did play. And anytime that dude stepped on the ice, he heard it. Boy, did he hear it.

The Bruins’ own defense, by the way, is freakin’ huge. Everyone knows that Zdeno Chara is a beast but Andrew Alberts and Milan Jurcina, both at 6’4” (6’7” with skates), are not exactly small dudes. And this is evident from the nosebleed seats. What’s also evident? Chara is not human. Marianne and I had the following conversation:

Marianne: Chara is gigantic. Even from up here.

Me: And if you run into him, he will break you into forty seven million pieces. And he will not feel remorse. That is one remorseless bastard.

Marianne: He eats spare car parts for breakfast.

Me: And used skate blades.

Marianne: His parents were Andre the Giant and a Clydesdale. You guess which one was the mom.

Me: And if you guess wrong, he gets to eat you. Though, let's face it, he's probably going to anyway.

Marianne: Probably.

Me: I have come to love Chara. Too bad he is a robot made of scrap metal and motor oil and doesn't know what love is.

Marianne: Good, we don’t want him going soft on us.

And then we discussed goalie Tim Thomas, who apparently likes to engage in bear hunting for recreation. (Again, not making that up.)

Me: Oh, and Tim Thomas is from Flint, Michigan. You know, the town with the guns and shit that Michael Moore profiles in “Bowling for Columbine.”

Marianne: Oh, Jesus. Of fucking course he is. If he weren’t in the NHL, he'd be running a meth lab out of his basement, like his brother, Jim. Shit, maybe he is anyway.

When you spend most of the game talking about Chara’s cravings for metal shavings and human blood and how Tim Thomas reconciles playing for the Bruins and yet killing bears (“He’s not killing them, he’s releasing their spirit, which he then captures and it becomes a part of him so he can be more bear-like.”), it was probably a good game.

Also, Troy Brown was there. And how can you beat that?