"Hell may have no fury like a woman scorned but heaven hath no sweetness like a sports fan vindicated." - Samcat

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Jason Varitek's Big Night Out

(You just know those pants are pleated).

I wish not to speak of the football for fear that my rage will manifest itself in human form, flip over a car and set it aflame. Suffice it to say that Tom Brady will be referred to as "the quarterback" until he performs in a manner I deem acceptable to earn his name back. And let's not even discuss the offensive line.

ANYWAY...I would like to tell you all that on Friday night, Amy, Marianne and I ran into Jason Varitek's slightly smaller doppelganger at Harper's Ferry at the Appetite for Destruction show. (And yes, if you're counting, that's twice we've been to see a Guns 'N Roses cover band and twice that it was AWESOME!) But the best part of the evening was when Amy glanced over, nearly choked on her beer and said, "You guys, Jason Varitek is standing at the bar."

Seriously? The resemblance was uncanny. The same flat-top hair (slightly less gel as you could not actually see his scalp), the exact same facial hair and a snappy crewneck/fleece combo which you just know Tek would consider his snazzy going out outfit. From our vantage point, we couldn't tell if the pants were pleated or not but aside from that, he was the spitting image.

The poor guy. We stared at him entirely too much to remain on the sane side of creepy. After watching him rock out to "Patience," (and that is totally my jam so I was quite impressed, as you can imagine), and observing him giggle whenever "Axl" let fly with the profanity, (which was frequently), we couldn't take it anymore. Amy made her way over.

Apparently, the gentlemen has been mistaken for Tek on more than one occasion but was unclear as to whether or not this was a good thing. Amy assured him it was. He evidently tried to convince her that his name was actually Jason but his plan was thwarted when she demanded to see his driver's license. Then he tried to convince her that his thighs were just as magnificent. Again, not buying. She did determine, however, that the pants were not pleated. Which is a good start. That dude made our night, just by looking like Tek and rocking his face off to "Sweet Child 'O Mine." Now we know what it's like when Jason Varitek throws rock horns. It's something everyone should see at least once in their life. Next time, we're totally buying Tek a beer.

Also, while waiting for the band to take the stage, we killed time by creating additional rounds in Ray-Ray Got Next and we believe we've hit upon the only scenario in which Ray Lewis would not emerge victorious. Check it. Ray Lewis vs. Trot Nixon riding a fire-breathing dragon on a frozen lake stocked with electric eels. Because obviously, the dragon would breathe fire and melt the ice and Ray-Ray would fall through and be shocked the death by the electric eels. I mean, don't get us wrong, it'd be quite a fight - surely there'd be some attempts to use the eels to beat the dragon to death on Ray-Ray's part - but that just seems like too much to overcome. And yes, before you ask, it has to be Trot Nixon riding the dragon. Pretty sure no one else could pull off the requisite amount of rage.

Sometimes I wonder if people at bars hear part of our conversations and wonder if they heard right, or if it would make more sense if they'd heard the whole thing. These people should just be thankful they don't know us better.