"Hell may have no fury like a woman scorned but heaven hath no sweetness like a sports fan vindicated." - Samcat

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Diary of a Mad Woman

(Photo from Boston.com)

Jorge Posada looks for some divine intervention.

Sometimes, I honestly think I'm bi-polar. This mostly happens during Sox/Yankees games - to the surprise of no one, I'm sure. But the range of emotions I go through during one of these interminable clashes (seriously, four hours? Keee-rist), is such that it's really a wonder I've not been formally committed to a mental institution yet. I stress the "yet."

Take, for instance, the flurry of text messages that flew between Annette and I during last night's game.

Me (as Matsuzaka has what is becoming his customary inning of control issues): ::vomits::

Annette: Motherfucker. Fucking hell. (No one said we were ladies.)

Me: I knew I hated baseball.

Annette: Fuck this game. Fucking bloody fucking thousand pitch inning.

Me: Also, while we're on the subject of things I hate: Julio Lugo.



Annette: So much rage. I hate the Yankees with the fire of infinite suns.

Me: I'm giving it one more inning and then I'm turning it off if conditions don't improve. It's too damn early in the season to be this angry. (Pedroia comes to bat) Oh look, they let the bat boy hit. That's nice.

Annette: Does his mother know he's up this late?

Me: I am going to have a stern word with her about how to manage her child.

Annette: Ask her to talk to him about hitting singles and not long flyouts in pathetic home run attempts.

Me: I plan to.

Annette: Jeter misses! And the world rejoices!

Me (as JD Drew grounds out. AGAIN): He is so fired.

Annette: Mike Lowell is NOT fired though.

Me: Absolutely not.

Annette: And Tek's thighs make Pettitte throw a wild pitch.

Me: The man is only human. I enjoy when Pettitte forgets to throw strikes. That is fun and good times for us all.

Annette: I enjoy that we chased him after just 4.2 innings.

Me: As do I. Immensely. Bullpen-palooza!

Annette: This game? Not dull.

Me: No. But I like Red Sox track meets!

Annette (after Lugo hits his first Red Sox home run): Huh. Lugo.

Me: Exactly. I am happy for the scoring but unhappy it was Lugo. (What did I say about bi-polar?) Also (Mientkiwicz falls into the photographers' box): hee, Mientkiewicz.

Annette: I can still spell his name right too. Those were the days.

Me: I know, it's reflexive.

Annette: I love David Ortiz. It can't be said enough. He just makes me happy.

Me: That's what he does, baby!

Annette: Timlin. God help us.

Me: Someone hold me.

Annette: Keee-rist. There is gambling and then there is gambling addiction. Timlin in a two run game AT NY is a cry for help.

Me: Honestly. Tito needs a Gamblers Anonymous meeting pronto. (Jeter is called out on a close play at second) Ha! Doesn't quite work when you call yourself safe, Derek.

Annette: There will be a 47 page thread on nyyfans.com tomorrow about that call. There is a VAST umpiring conspiracy against them.

Me: Clearly. And totally warranted since they have NEVER been the beneficiaries of bullshit calls.

Annette: Never, ever, ever. Their suffering has been great these many years.

Me: And lo! The tears rained down from Mount Yankee!

Annette: And the Lord sayeth, I will give you these 26 rings but never shall a close call - like a phantom tag in a playoff game - go in your favor.

Me: And all gentlemen named Jeffrey shall fear death upon interference!

Annette: Lugo stole on a walk. Is that legal?

Me: Like that man concerns himself with legality.

Annette: True dat. This game is very wicked long.

Me: Doesn't help that the umpire talks half an hour to make every call.

Annette: How do you not get Giambi out on a comebacker to the mound? That violates the laws of physics.

Me: If you're gonna cheat by using the shift, it's gonna need to work.

Annette: No kidding. But if the batter is a cheating 'roid monkey, is the shift considered cheating or a mere leveling of the playing field?

Me: In that case, I think taking a Louisville Slugger to his patellas would be warranted.

Annette: If I were in charge, that would be an allowable event. Also, I'm starting to legitimately heart Okajima. We might have a legitimate setup man. MADNESS!

Me: Yes, he's the fun, new Japanese toy that no one's paying attention to.

Annette: Yay, Mikey Lowell extends his streak!

Me: You're starting to see the hot now, aren't you?

Annette: No, I still don't see the hot. But I love him as a person. Also, Papelbon calls him "Mikey Lowell" and that cracks me up.

Me: Everything Papelbon says cracks me up. Every. Single. Word.

Annette: Ha! Crisp steals second! He delighted in unnerving Mo!

Me: Dude, if I'm a Yankee fan, I'm having a heart attack about this whole Rivera situation.

Annette: Dude, no kidding. It's almost May and he's not recorded a save.

Me: This game is never ending.

Annette: No. It's not. That is true fact.

Me: We are going to die here. Bears are going to eat us.

Annette: Oh look, we won.

Me: How about that?

Annette then proceeded to send me the following email:

"View photo of the dude the Sox are interested in. AND!!! His name is Fukudome. Fuk. U. Do. Me."

Me: We must get him immediately. The potential for awesomeness is too great.

Annette: I know, right? I learned of this earlier today and immediately started dreaming of all the awesome t-shirts that could be made.

Me: He needs to bring his bear too. That must be in the contract.

Annette: Dude, we could put it in the vistors' bullpen. How awesome would that be? I think he's a corner outfielder. He could visit it during innings.

Me: Why don't we run baseball again? This is GENIUS.

So basically, this is all to serve notice that, sometime soon, I'm probably going to go COMPLETELY off the deep end. But at least I'm taking friends with me.

Speaking of "off the deep end" can someone in the know tell me if Joe Torre is actually TRYING to get fired? It's gotten to the point where the statement, "Torre's not a good bullpen manager" can be considered an irresponsible understatement, like akin to calling the Hundred Years' War a "kerfuffle." I mean, I might be remembering incorrectly but I'm fairly certain the point of having an elite closer is to, you know, close out games that you're actually winning. Not put him in for mop up duty in games you're already losing by four. And then yanking him when he can't get anyone out.

This also has the somewhat disturbing effect of making me feel something akin to sympathy for a member of the Yankees since Mariano Rivera is the ONLY Yankee who, if given the choice, I would take for my team, no questions asked. He appears to be a good guy and he's the real deal, baseball-wise. But I'm really not sure what Joe's doing with him now. Curious moves indeed.

That said, I remain a Sox fan so I'm going to enjoy the ride while it lasts.