"Hell may have no fury like a woman scorned but heaven hath no sweetness like a sports fan vindicated." - Samcat

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Always Wear a Helmet

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Johnny, please consider it. Olerud may be onto something...

Dude. DUUUUDE! Seriously? Again? Johnny Damon tried, AGAIN, unsuccessfully last night to move the outfield wall with his head, resulting in him receiving four stitches above his left eye and various bruises and scrapes to his face. There was (thankfully) no sign of a concussion but folks, this is Johnny Damon we're talking about. Exactly how bizarre would the man have to act for us to assume that he'd hurt his noggin' in any serious manner? Putting on his jersey backwards? Doing naked pullups in the clubhouse? Throwing like a little girl? Oh, wait...

I'm all for sacrificing one's body to make the play or "taking one for the team" but man, the outfield wall is not the enemy. There's no need to try to head butt it into the next dimension. Especially considering that all previous attempts at doing so have been met with *snerk* considerable resistance.

Last year it was Gabe Kapler and Kevin Millar. And I don't know about anyone else but with the possible exception of Mo Vaughn in his "box o' donut" days, I'm pretty sure there's nothing I'd least like to bang my head into full speed that Gabe Kapler's "barbells for breakfast" physique. The collision with Millar probably sounded something like a bowling ball dropped on a waterbed but still, not pleasant.

And we all remember two years ago during the ALDS in Oakland when JD jumped up, reached for the ball and collided in mid air with second basebman Damian Jackson. Both players dropped as if they'd been shot by snipers and Nomar (remember that dude?) ran over, grabbed the ball from their lifeless, entagled limbs and threw into second, thus preventing the runner from scoring. Heads up play by Nomar but I mean, dude, Damon knocked himself OUT COLD. That's quite a feat for someone who, you've got to figure, ain't all that "with it" on a daily basis to begin with. And thanks to his penchant for using his head as a battering ram, we're all subjected to endless replays of said stomach-turning collision with Jackson. Thanks, JD, thanks a pantload.

So really, for everyone's sake, I agree with Red's assertion that the Sox should institute an "All Olerud, All the Time" helmet rule as pertains to a one Mr. Damon. Before we know it, he'll be trying to move the bullpens back with his cranium. And that ain't no good for no one.

And speaking of Olerud, I was shocked, SHOCKED, I tell you, to see him on the NESN postgame show last night sans helmet. I searched my exhausted memory banks but it seems that I cannot remember a time when I saw that guy and he wasn't wearing a helmet. This realization was most likely aided by a tequila-fueled discussion on Sunday night during the Sox/Yanks showdown wherein Marianne, Annette, Amy, Jay and I decided that if Olerud ever removed his helmet, he wouldn't have a skull, but rather a giant, throbbing brain. I believe, if I remember correctly - and I probably don't - that this conclusion was reached because Jay decided, in his infinite wisdom, that Olerud looks like the benevolent aliens from Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Really, we gave him a theme song and everything. I don't know...oh wait, yeah, I blame tequila.

As for the game - there was a game last night, no? - the Sox finally, FINALLY took one from the Orioles at Fenway, moving them to three back in the division. Oh yeah, and the Yankees were busy losing to Kansas City *snerk*. Edgah continues to tear it up and was even named AL Player of the Week. A grand slam against the Yankees and a bazillion hits will do that for a guy. He got a standing ovation at Fenway on Monday and if he keeps hitting like this, that doesn't look to stop anytime soon.

I'm back at it tonight and I promise to do my best to bring the winning mojo so we can win this damn series against these "are they like, for real? Orioles." Wish me luck, kids.

Edit: Apparently the "benevolent alien" comment was Marianne's, not Jay's. Can't be giving anyone any undue credit, now can we? Plus, Marianne will soon be moving to my 'hood and it's best for neighboorly relations if I tell her she's awesome.