An Open Letter to the New England Patriots
To: Bill Belichick
CC: Rodney Harrison
Fr: Concerned fans
Re: Stop it
Here's the thing, gentlemen: you need to stop this immediately. And by "this" I mean this whole cheating thing. HGH, spy games or whatever. Next I feel like we're gonna hear about someone spiking the opponent's Gatorade cooler with ipecac.
You do not need to do these things. You are better than this. We, as fans, are confident that without all this shady bullshit, you're still among the best - if not the best - team in the league. I mean, did you see the Brady to Moss show on Sunday? Badass. No video cameras needed.
So what the shit, man? What's the deal? Are you just bored with the NFL the way it is now? Things have gotten a little too mundane for you? You're sick of winning in the old-fashioned way? Pulling off draft coups and building an uber-team isn't enough for you? Seriously, what are you doing? If you need to get your rocks off, can't you just start jamming with your good pal Bon Jovi or picking out do-rags with known acquaintance Snoop? Don't fuck with the NFL.
In addition, do you realize what this is doing to your fan base? We're very upset. You've put us in the unenviable position of having to defend the team's indefensible actions to freakin' Steelers and Colts fans (I've still never met an actual Colts fan), and Chargers players since The Danian obviously has something to say about this. WE WERE PERFECTLY HAPPY KNOWING THAT WE WERE WINNING BECAUSE WE WERE BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE. And I'm not saying that we're not. I still think we are, BUT I DON'T APPRECIATE THE ABUSE I'M GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE HERE. Do you understand?
This has really put a lot of pressure on me as I would like nothing more than to pretend that this wasn't happening. I'd very much like to stick my fingers in my ears, avoid all print and television media and pretend that I live in a happy world of marshmallow clouds and puppy dog tails where the Patriots are perfect and JD Drew is a bad dream. Unfortunately, life - and sports - don't work that way. I'm dealing with it. AND NOW YOU DEAL WITH IT TOO.
Seriously, suck it up and take the punishment. Draft picks or whatever. And while I think it would have been hilarious if you were just pretending to film the sidelines to fuck with Mangini's head, the fact that it actually happened needs to be dealt with. And also, fucking stop it.
Probably also wouldn't be a bad idea if you apologize to your fans because of all the shit talk they're going to have to hear. And yes, I realize that asking the freakin' Patriots - the gold standard in the NFL - to apologize to their fans, is somewhat insane. But come on, we're gonna hear so much shit. And if you insist on doing this spy shit, at least employ hot spies like Jason Bourne or Michael Vaughn with the teeny bowtie cameras and the disguises. But barring that, knock it off.
Now you'll have your opportunity to present your case to the NFL on Friday. And for your sake, I hope your defense is "replaced by pod people." But in the off chance that it's not, fucking deal with the consequences. And then go out there and kick ass. The right way.
Oh and Red Sox? You really need to make with that fruit basket for the Tampa Bay bullpen. Like now.