"Hell may have no fury like a woman scorned but heaven hath no sweetness like a sports fan vindicated." - Samcat

Friday, June 16, 2006

Bad Scene

(photo from Boston.com)

The scene inside the Visitors' clubhouse at the Metrodome last night:

A disgruntled Tim Wakefield stalked the clubhouse late Thursday night after the Red Sox suffered another demoralizing loss to the Minnesota Twins. The loss completed the three game sweep for the Twins and Wakefield, a victim of poor run support all year, fell to 4-8 on the season. Wakfield was clad in what appeared to be a 'do-rag borrowed from Manny Ramirez (it's hard to wear a 'do-rag askew but Wakefield made a valiant effort), an unbuttoned G-Unit shirt believed to be borrowed from David Ortiz, smoking a cigar and carrying a half full bottle of Wild Turkey, rumored to have been left behind by Kevin Millar after the Orioles recent trip to Minnesota.

Wakefield, clearly agitated, went from locker to locker and laid into his teammates before addressing the room as a whole.

"You guys're buncha ashholes," Wakefield said, his speech slurred.

"Buncha ash-
hic-holes. I'ma ELDER STATESMEN of this team and you don't gimme no respect. No runs. You can't score no runs."

Wakfield stumbled over to Doug Mirabelli's locker and laid a hand on the catcher's shoulder. "Dis guy," Wakefield said, gesturing with the bottle of whiskey, "Dis guy comes back and evybody says, 'Don worry, Dougie's back. Wake'll pitch good now that he don't gotta worry about that kid chasing pitches to Framingham.' And I pitch good. Don I pitch good?"

Mirabelli, never one to shy away from the spotlight, answered in the affirmative. "Course you've been pitching good, Timmy. Ain't he, guys?"

The team added a collection of "yes's" and "sures" while Mike Lowell quietly corrected their grammar by saying, "He's been pitching
well, yes."

"S'what I thought," Wakefield nodded. "But here'sa thing," he said, leaning on Mirabelli for support, "You're a good catcher, yeah, I know," here Wakefield pointed to Kevin Youkilis with his cigar, "But did you know this fuckin' guy is hittin' more than double your batting average? More'n double! Lookit how goofy he is!" Mirabelli hung his head by way of response. "I can do math," Wakefield continued, "And I know's that .156 isn't good batting average. S'not even a lotta money to pay for anything. You spend more'n that on chicken parm subs in a month."

Jason Varitek, Red Sox captain, stepped in to defend his fellow catcher. "Now, Tim," he said, "Is that really fair? Doug's trying real hard."

Wakefield stumbled over to Varitek's locker, "Least he can catch the knuckleball," he replied. "This one here," he said gesturing to Varitek, "nearly killed us all, 'member? Freakin' balls goin' everywhere. Yankees runnin' bases. Babies cryin' 'n all that. Gives me nightmares." Varitek, humbled, sat down.

"An another thing," Wakefield said, "stop swinging at the goddamn high fastball."

"Hey, man," David Ortiz interjected, stepping up and taking Wakefield by the shoulders, "C'mon, papi, we're doin' our best."

"Buncha ashloes," Wakefield responded.

"How 'bout this, okay?" Ortiz asked, "How 'bout if on the team plane from now on, we let you have a window seat and you can lean back as far as you want?"

"Then I'll fall asleep and one'a you guys'll write on me with caligraphy marker," Wakefield pouted.

Manny Ramirez could be heard giggling at his locker in the corner while coloring in a Little Mermaid coloring book.

"Nah, man," Ortiz said, "We won't do that anymore. And how about if we make Dougie stop eating all the grapes outta your fruit salad?"

"Yeah, I hate melon," Wakefield replied, "He only leaves me melon."

"Okay, no more melon," Ortiz agreed. The rest of the team nodded. "Oh, and you wan' me to talk to Bronson? Have him let you sit in on his next album? S'gonna be a good one."

Wakefield sniffed, "Okay."

"Good," Ortiz answered. "Anything else you need?"

Wakefield, still dejected, sighed deeply, "Why don't you guys jus' score some goddamn runs already?"

Ortiz shrugged his massive shoulders and clapped Wakefield on the back, "Hey, man," he said, "Don't worry. I take care of it."

Wakefield, in a break with tradition, was not made available to the media after the game as reports were that he was "sleeping it off." Instead, pitcher Mike Timlin sat at the podium. Timlin, clad in camoflauge with a crossbow slung over his shoulder, addressed the crowd of assembled reporters.

"It's been taken care of," Timlin said, "We won't be having any more problems with run support this year."

The Sox open a three game series of interleague play with Atlanta tonight at Turner Field.