"Hell may have no fury like a woman scorned but heaven hath no sweetness like a sports fan vindicated." - Samcat

Wednesday, December 28, 2005


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A conversation that began with Annette and I discussing lasagna recipes and ended - as most things do - in our thoughts on baseball.

Me: Let's talk about the World Baseball Classic. Let's discuss three points in particular. Please review the rosters.

Point 1) Andruw Jones is going to play all nine positions himself for the Netherlands.
Point 2) Doug Mirabelli is evidently Italian (and yet Tony Graffanino is nowhere to be found).
Point 3) The Dominican Republic is going to absolutely kick ass and take names.


Annette: Point 4) Marco Scutaro does not actually have a country of origin. Apparently, we are going to invent a country for him to play for or he is going to represent Antartica. Perhaps, his country will play against Andruw Jones' Netherlands.

Me: Unaffiliated vs. The Netherlands! A matchup for the ages!

Am I high or is "Scutaro" Italian?

Annette: It is Mediterranean. How is Tony not representing Italy?!? His name is TONY GRAFFANINO for crying out loud! My nonna calls him that "nice italian on our team." If 4-foot tall, 88-year-old Italian grandmothers place him on Italy's team, then dammit, he should be there.

Me: I agree completely. Also, it appears that Kevin and I have started another blood feud as he's already emailed me with "GO ITALIA!" I guess that means I have to root for the US, represented by Tek and all. 'Cepting they are totally going to get the everloving shit kicked out of them by the Dominican Republic.

Instead of countries, we should create alternate teams. Like "Guys Who's Names Make Spellcheckers Cry," or "Guys With The Best Porn Mustaches."

Why aren't we running baseball again?


So let's make up a list for the "All Spellcheckers Team."

First up: Zoccolillo, Pete

Me: Niether Mientkiewicz nor Grudzielanek
are playing. Which makes our Spellchecker team that much less complex. Bastards.

Annette: Sucks that team All Spellcheck is going to be lacking both Mientkiewicz AND Grudzielanek. I was having them be the centerpiece of the team.

Me: We can just call our Alternate Team Spellcheck the Kansas City Royals. But don't despair! We still have Kyuji Fujikawa, Frank Catalanotto, Alfredo Amezaga, Andruw "with a 'u'" Jones, Jason Isringhausen and Mark Texiera.

Annette: Check out the pitching on Team USA. We've got Sheets, Clemens, Smoltz, Dontrelle Willis, Barry Zito, Andy Pettitte and CC Sabathia. The Dominican Repuplic has offense galore in Tiz, Manny, Miggy, and Pujols. It'll be a pitching vs. hitting deal.

Me: Also Vladdy. Don't forget Vladdy. He'll remind you. By force if need be. Do you know what I see happening? I see the Dominican team loving playing together so much that they all decide to start their own team, based in the Dominican and return to playing Major League Baseball but only if they can play for The Dominican Destroyers. They're going to create their own team and they're going to win the World Series every year. It's totally going to happen.

Annette: They don't have the pitching.

Me: They have Pedro. And they're going to engineer some kind of robotic arm for him. So it won't fall off. I'm pretty sure that's not against the rules.

Annette: But Pedro can't pitch every day. And I'm pretty sure Manny would get confused it they tried to show him the different pitches.

Me: Vladdy has a cannon arm. I'll bet they could convert him into a pitcher pretty quickly. And then people would die when he threw at them.

Hmmm, maybe we can get Posada to catch him? Crap, Rat Boy is Puerto Rican. The best laid plans...

Annette: Always go to waste. Sigh. Maybe we can make the Dominican Republic annex Puerto Rico.

Me: So in addition to being Co-Commissioners of Imaginary Baseball World, we've also deemed ourselves Rulers of the World? I just want to know what to put on my business cards.

Annette: Well, yes. World domination was always the ultimate goal. Nothing's changed there.

Me: I just want to make sure I'm on the right track. And while we're wishing for things, I'd like a pony and a house elf to do my laundry. Oh, and for Pedro to come back. Just 'cause.