"Hell may have no fury like a woman scorned but heaven hath no sweetness like a sports fan vindicated." - Samcat

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Matsuzaka Mania

(Photo from Boston.com)

Whatever, y'all, that was a home run. Not that it ended up mattering because Tek's "double" provided the go-ahead and eventual winning run anyway but don't be thinking I won't bring that up later on in the season when people are all, "Tek has no power," "Tek can't hit home runs," and all that business. Because he clearly can, but the major league umpires refuse to allow it. IT'S A VAST CONSPIRACY, I TELL YOU.
Or not. I just need coffee.

I have to admit, it was kind of nice to see both of my binkies get in on the RBI action, though really, if there is anyone out there who ISN'T counting Jacoby as one of their own, personal binkies, I would very much like to borrow the sensory deprivation chamber they've clearly been living in.

Now, can I see a show of hands for those of you who were surprised that JD Drew was scratched again? Yeah, that's what I thought. We've gotten disturbingly used to that news in Drew's short tenure in Boston. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't wish the guy harm or anything - especially since evidence from spring training would indicate that he is, in fact in possession of some semblance of a personality - but come on, dude.

Amy and I engaged in some early game text-messaging - as one does - last night and continued with an email conversation this morning.

Me: Re: Travis Buck. I was not aware that lead singer of Nickelback played for Oakland.

Amy: Chad is following us.

Me: I hate it. Why can't it be the Jovi? He loves the sports. Additionally, we are going to have to talk about Matsuzaka's hair at some point.

Amy: I decided that Matsuzaka's mullet is where he stores his powers.

Me: I think that must be it. That has to be the explanation, right? What I am puzzled about is the color. It's reddish. Is he dying it?

Amy: It looks like he used henna. Maybe he's going to unleash his inner weirdo fashionista bit by bit. And by the last year of his contract, we won't even bat an eye.

Me: God, I hope so. Like we think he's all timid and quiet and whatever. And he's on a team with Manny so... But we forget he was totally a rock star in Japan. I can't wait until he starts wearing like leather suits and feather boas on charter flights to away games.

Amy: And giant bow ties.

Me: Obviously. I mean, it's a slippery slope. Last year it was the five-toed socks. This year, bow ties for everyone. I look forward to this.

Amy: As do we all. He's going to start sneaking in an entourage soon. We're going to learn that "translator" and "massage therapist" are just euphemisms. I can't wait till he starts requesting bottles of water that are comprised solely of the moisture found on one thousand dew-soaked lilies.

Me: And Tek will be all "GIVE THE MAN WHATEVER HE NEEDS." Because I think we're about two months away from Tek carrying Matsuzaka around in a pack on his front like a kangaroo just so he can physically prevent him from any ill that might come his way.

Amy: Maybe an ergonomic sling? To shield his face from the prying eyes of the media?

Me: YES.

Amy: He will only grant interviews to the press if he can hold a tiny monkey on his lap while speaking.

Me: And the monkey will have it's own translator.

Amy: And he won't answer any questions the monkey doesn't approve of. Also, FYI? The monkey wears a bonnet.

Me: Once again, I must reiterate my firm belief that we should run baseball.

Amy: I'm sayin'.

But hey, if a henna'd mullet or a fedora made out of penguins or a pet monkey is what Matsuzaka needs to pitch like he did last night, I say make with the goods. Because that is how I like my baseball, and I'm willing to turn over my leather goods and shiny fabric. We all gotta make sacrifices, after all.