One Run Wonders

(Photo from Yahoo! Sports)

You guys? Games like this are going to kill me. Didn't I just say, like, yesterday, that we needed a stat for "fucking up but getting yourself out of it before doing irreparable damage to your team?" Didn't I say we should name it after Matsuzaka? Do we all see why?

Don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic to have the win. Especially because the version of C.C. Sabathia that happens to be pitching this season is a good one. So getting a win against that dude is a good thing. Plus, I mean, apparently the Yankees will never lose again so we really have no choice. Am I surprised that Mike Lowell had the sole RBI for the team? Not in the slightest. He's Mike Lowell, man. He's in the business of getting hits and RBIs and generally being all around awesome and silver foxish.

You hear that, Theo? I sincerely hope you're paying attention here, dude. You so much as think of trading Lowell and I will find you. And I will make you watch as I burn all your Pearl Jam bootlegs. And don't be thinking you can hide in brew pubs in Portland, Maine either. I know your tricks. This team needs Mike Lowell. Of that, there is no question.

I hate the trading deadline. I can't even talk about it. So let's...not talk about it.

Let's talk instead about how this weekend, I'll be gallivanting to parts elsewhere as Greta and I tackle a baseball road trip. Friday night we'll be at Shea kidnapping David Wright watching the Mets hopefully take down the Nationals. Saturday finds us, along with Chris, at whatever that park in Philly is called, probably causing some kind of illegal incident and Sunday we'll be attending the Yankees/Orioles game at Camden Yards, after which, Cal Ripken, Jr's Hall of Fame induction will be shown on the scoreboard. Not a dry eye in the house, I imagine. At least among the Orioles fans. And I will personally smack the hell out of any Yankee fan I see being the slightest bit disrespectful. It's Cal's day, you yahoos. Show some goddamn respect.

Allegedly, we'll return on Monday. But that all depends on the restraining order from Nick Markakis traffic.

So what I'm saying is, can you guys hold down the fort for me? Can you keep a lid on all the one-run games? Can you keep things under control and monitor your breathing so no one hyperventilates? And can you please tell me what in the holy hell Wily Mo Pena was doing anywhere near a baseball diamond with a one run lead? Why wasn't he hogtied in the clubhouse? Surely Pedro left some tape around here somewhere.

No, I'm fine. Really, totally cool. Thanks.

/goes quietly insane