What We Talk About When We Talk About Baseball*

The following are all conversations I've participated in recently that relate in some way to the game of baseball. Your honor, I'd like to enter this as Exhibit A in the "Sane People vs. Basegirl" trial.

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An email exchange with Red from Surviving Grady re: Julio Lugo wherein I proposed a trade of Lugo for a one-armed orangutan or a "slightly-used" bucket of baseballs.

Me: Furthermore, can you even imagine the Sox with a one-armed orangutan? Timlin would totally adopt it and it'd turn into "Any Which Way But Loose" Red Sox-style. That'd be amazing.

In related news, I really should stop smoking so much crack."

Red: Any e-mail the includes the words "Timlin", "orangutan" and "crack" is immediately the greatest e-mail in the history of e-mail.

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A discussion with Greta re: the unfunniness of ESPN's Page 2.

Greta: Seriously, I am sick of them all. Well, I don't actually read them anymore because they suck.

Me: I think I didn't realize how much they suck until I started reading FJM. But seriously, most sports journalists suck. And when they're trying to be funny, they're funny in the Catskills comedian way. Which is to say, not funny at all.

Someone should pay us to write a book about stupid shit we make up about baseball. Seriously, that's our pitch.

"We're writing a book, comprised largely of our emails to each other when we should be working, about stupid shit that we make up about baseball, including but not limited to nicknames for players, imagined scenarios involving 1950s sock hops, Mike Timlin's firearm collection, and the black hole of suck that is Julio Lugo/Danys Baez/the Devil Rays. Bidding starts at $1 million."

Greta: If Stephen King and Stewart O'Nan can do it, so can we.

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A chat with Annette re: JD Drew batting leadoff

Annette: DREW IS BATTING LEADOFF TONIGHT

Me: So probably we should pray for a rainout.

Annette: Yes. Although what we should've done is joined Tito for the crack party he had in his office earlier today because apparently it was a heck of a good time.

Me: That man knows how to party, I'll give him that.

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An email exchange initiated by Sebastian, Resident Yankee Fan (RYF):

RYF: MARK IT, BITCHES!

Me: What are you telling us here, Seb? That we should quake in fear of the two-armed wonder?

RYF: I hadn't thought it through that far, but sure, that works. START QUAKING.

Me: K, in five years when he's major league-ready, I'll start getting scared.

RYF: //feverishly stars and archives email string

Me: Also, other things I would like to point out.

"45th round" - so like 8 billionth overall. My cat was actually drafted by the Rockies in the 42nd round.

"You try to find people who are unique and special, like a left-handed-hitting catcher or a switch-hitting third baseman." These people actually exist, you know. They're called Jason Varitek (who's technically a switch hitter but still) and Bill Mueller.

"Their scout responsible for evaluating Venditte, Steve Lemke, said that he would probably not rate him as a prospect from either side, but the two arms together made him too intriguing to pass up." - Because the Yankees need circus freaks to sell tickets now?

Greta: To be fair, Kristen - your cat is at least a 4 tool player. I'm actually surprised that he went as low in the draft as he did.

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An email exchange with Amy, some weeks ago:

Me: I hate Julio Lugo. Again. Some more. I don't deal with numbers but I have broken it down. Alex Gonzalez is better and like twelve drillion dollars (that number I made up) cheaper. And I don't understand why he's not on our team still.

Amy: Extending Coco while his finger broken and before we realized he couldn't actually hit was also not a prudent choice. No seriously. 3 huge expensive black holes in the lineup is fantastic. And if Cora is getting playing time, it should NOT be at Pedroia's expense. Since Cora has realized that he is not, in fact, David Ortiz, and is, in fact, Alex Cora.

Me: Here is who gets to play where.

C: Tek (except for Wake's starts)

1B: Youks
2B: Pedroia
3B: Lowell
SS: Cora
RF: Hinske
CF: Coco
LF: Manny

HOW HARD IS THAT I JUST FIXED BASEBALL!

Amy: I respectfully disagree. That lineup is curiously devoid of Wily Mo.

Me: That is by design. Because his defense makes me try to eat my face.

Amy: It's very interpretive, okay? And it comes from a place of love. And he will not get any better if he doesn't practice. He's just little.

Me: I understand, I'm just very impatient with them in general this year. But I would, however, like Eric Hinske to give more shirtless interviews. And he can't do that if he never plays and doesn't ever have anything to talk about.

Amy: Maybe he and Wily Mo can platoon and then solve crime without their shirts on.

Me: I think that's a genius idea. The first crime they can solve is "how to get rid of JD Drew."

Amy: I think all Wily Mo has to do is trip and fall on him. Has anyone but me noticed that JD Drew has missed the same couple games at the start of the month for two months in a row? If he does it in July, I think this all the proof we need that he is menstruating.

*If anyone (or anyone who isn't my tenth grade English teacher) manages to get the reference in that post title, well, you'll have my undying admiration.