"Hell may have no fury like a woman scorned but heaven hath no sweetness like a sports fan vindicated." - Samcat

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

A Walk Off in the Park

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(photo from Yahoo! Sports)

Look at The Youk with the hair ruffling! So fatherly! Awww...

How much do I love walk-off home runs? “Lots” doesn’t really cover it. One minute, you’re sitting there, watching a brilliantly pitched game by Bro-Yo go to waste, in part because of your team’s penchant for hitting into double plays and killing dead any semblance of a rally, and the next minute you’re out of you chair, jumping and phantom high-fiving the air because of course, there’s no one home. People have learned to steer clear of you.

One minute you’re cursing your existence because your back and neck muscles have atrophied into a painful amalgamation of calcified vertebra due to your seemingly permanent position of being hunched over a library table. And the next you’re jumping around your room like a cocker spaniel, limber and loose, dancing to some salsa music in your head.

One minute you’re chastising the large Dominican man on your television, “Papi, we DO NOT hit into double plays. You’re Papi Freakin’ Ortiz. You’re the Tizzle. You fuck people up. You don’t let ‘em get away with that shit. You HIT THE BALL!” And the next you’re clapping like a madman and repeating, “A walk is fine, tying run on first. Walks are good,” Rainman style.

One minute, you’re yelling at the radio, “What’s this Millar? Felt left out because the A’s were kicking the damn ball all over the field yesterday? You want in on the fun? Let’s all play Boots-A-Ball, Scores-A-Run!” And the next minute you’re screaming, “Millar, you hairy bastard, I freakin’ love you!”

Red Sox fandom, it toys with the emotions, it does.

I’m currently buried in work (Yes, still. But only until Sunday), I’m prepping for a move (Hooray!) and I wasn’t kidding about that neck/back vertebra thing. I just took a hot bath and Tylenol PM in an attempt to alleviate some of the pain and I apologize if I fall asleep in the middle of this entry. I am in pain people...but Kevin Millar made it okay. And those are words I didn’t think I’d ever have cause to utter.

I feel it is my duty to inform you all that Amy(Nutbar) called Buckethead’s home run.

Amy: Kevvie, now is the time for you to hit another home run! One for each baby.
Me: Because otherwise they’ll fight.
Amy: And Mrs. Kevvie is too tired to deal with fighting babies.

Looks like Millar is a good dad after all.

Psst! If you’re keeping track, Saturn Balls still hasn’t lost since last August 15th. Just sayin.’

Because I’m a Red Sox fan, I’m going to find something to complain about. And it’s not even something I’m all that well-versed in considering that I spent the first six innings trying not to look at the people making out in the library. (Seriously, is there something erotic about the BPL that I’m not getting? This is two days in a row now. Surely these people have a room or a 1984 Ford Tempo available for their carnal needs? I feel as though I’m being mocked.) Anyhow, what’s with the fearsome Red Sox lineup and their problems with newbie pitchers? Last year it was Scott Kazmir and some punk from the Orioles (such a punk, in fact, that I can’t be bothered to look up his name) and this year so far it’s this Kirk Excessive Use of Vowels Saarloos. The hell? I mean, I know that even a young pitcher is a new pitcher in that the team hasn’t seen them before but come on, we’re the mother-effing Red Sox! One time through the line up if you need it, boys, but I don’t want to see any scrubs getting off easy in the future. Unacceptable.

But a walk off home run makes everything okay.

In other notes:

  • The Yankees have now won four in a row. *shrug* According to Yankees fans, we should be worried now.
  • Jason Giambi may be headed to the minors. *attempting to suppress giggle fit* It’s useless, HA!
  • Because this can’t be a completely ass-free commentary, I’d like to note that Octavio Dotel has the highest ass I’ve ever seen. It starts somewhere in the middle of his back. And since I first noticed this when he came out of the bullpen, I was unable to look at anything else. Until Millar’s homer. High ass? Yes? No? You be the judge.
  • Dotel is also apparently colorblind as he spent his entire bullpen session wearing the wrong color uniform jersey. Um, wow. Red Sox players have worn each other’s jerseys before but I’m pretty sure they were all the same color.
  • David Ortiz with the Comcast commercial? Want to HUG!
  • This is always fun to see. Would say more but refraining from drooling is proving difficult.
  • Johnny Damon? Still trying to win back my love. Still not working. (He doesn’t appear smart enough to understand the concept of reverse psychology so no one explain it to him, okay?)
  • The Rolling Stones are set to play Fenway Park. Tickets! Must get tickets! Springsteen at Fenway rocked my socks off and the Stones are…well shit, they’re the freakin’ Rolling Stones! You need an explanation?
  • Various members of the SGMB were at the game tonight. I’d like to thank Caitriona, Annette, Holly, Emma and anyone else I’ve forgotten for the mojo they no doubt brought in person. It’s all you, kids.

Oh, and just in case we forgot: WALK OFF HOME RUNS!

Tomorrow it’s Barry “He crazy but he sure is pretty” Zito vs. Matty “Neptune Nuts” Clement. I’m calling it: Clement’s goatee will eat the A’s batboy by the fourth inning.