Victory is Mine!

(behold, my new poster)

The following is how I spent a good deal of time on Friday night arguing with my roommate:

Me: Please?
Roomie: Please what?
Me: Pizza.
Roomie: No, I'm anorexic now. You know that. :-)
Me: Just 'cause you're too stupid to remember to eat for a week doesn't mean you're anorexic. Besides, you should feed me for editing your cover letter.
Roomie: No, I got lost in Brockton for that cover letter.
Me: You are mistaken. You got lost in Brockton for me not bitching at you to pick up the kitchen or living room for a week. Pizza is for the cover letter.
Roomie: Bah!
Me: I'm starving over here. Starving, I tell you!
Roomie: Good to know.
Me: A good remedy for that would be pizza.
Roomie: Would it?
Me: Yes, it would make me not hungry anymore.
Roomie: So would Dinty Moore.
Me: Ew. Dinty Moore would make me vomit. Which would, in turn, make me even hungrier.
Roomie: Well, now you're just being picky.
Me: You don't like green things, I don't like Dinty Moore.
Roomie: When was the last time you bought me food? I'm willing to bet the last ten times we bought pizza I payed.
Me: I CLEAN UP YOUR SHIT! ALL THE FRICKIN' TIME!
Roomie: I fail to see what that has to do with pizza.
Me: IT'S A TRADE OFF. I CLEAN YOUR SHIT, YOU BUY ME PIZZA. IT'S LIKE PAYING A MAID, WITH FOOD. AND YOUR MAID IS A SASSY WHITE GIRL WHO HEARTS TOM BRADY.
Roomie: If you dress up in a maid's outfit then I would buy you pizza.
Me: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THIS WORKS. YOU DON'T GET TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO. YOU ONLY GET TO BUY ME PIZZA. HENCE ALL THE YELLING.
Roomie: Uh...this seems like a bad deal.
Me: PIZZA! I DEMAND PIZZA!
Roomie: You get pizza, and I get yelled at.
Me: You get a free Adam Vinatieri poster with the pizza. Don't you want that?
Roomie: No.
Me: I do. I very much want that. I can't afford to buy the Ford Truck I promised him yet. It seems the least I can do is buy pizza.
Roomie: So you get a pizza AND a poster and I get yelled at?
Me: I'll stop yelling, you can have pizza too and I'll let you lick the poster.
Roomie: Uh...that's an even worse deal.
Me: You know you want to. Everyone does. It's Adam Vinatieri. Am I to understand that you're anti-Patriots because of your refusal to purchase pizza?
Roomie: Yeah but I'll be on a Duck Boat working the parade on Tuesday so suck it.
Me: If they win. Why you gotta jinx it like that? Are you new here? Also, if you end up on Tom Brady's duck boat, I will kill you in your sleep.
Roomie: Why? You wouldn't jump on me in a fit of passion because I touched Tom Brady?
Me: No, I would construct a time machine and go back in time to the time when you got the call to work the parade and I would intercept your phone and pretend to be you so I could ride on Tom Brady's Duck Boat and do your job with the confetti. And also there would be leg humping.
Roomie: I prefer the jumping on me thing.
Me: No. But bring Tom Brady home to me and we'll talk.
Roomie: What about the Vinatieri poster? Then can we talk?
Me: If you get Adam Vinatieri and Tom Brady to come to my house and hand deliver a poster and pizza, then we'll talk.
Roomie: You're no fun.
Me: I am fun. But right now I am HUNGRY!
Roomie: Bah!
Me: You are in control of your own destiny here. See how that works? Buy me pizza and I shall allow you to leave the kitchen and living room a mess through the weekend. Bring me home an Adam Vinatieri poster and I won't even complain about the hair in the sink. This is a win-win.
Roomie: Hey, assclown, the biggest mess in the living room is your Dell crap.
Me: Bite me.
Roomie: Gladly.
Me: I mean no, pizza!
Roomie: I still fail to see why you can't buy your own damn pizza for once.
Me: Fine. None for you then. And you can't look at my Adam Vinatieri poster.
Roomie: #1, That's not nice and #2, why would I look at a Vinatieri poster?
Me: You're lying. Everyone wants a Vinatieri poster. Everyone.
Roomie: Bah!
Me: A pox on you! I just looked at the Adam Vinatieri posters online and now I shall be forced to order pizza.
Roomie: And now you're being mean and you're going to horde it and won't let me have any.
Me: You have to order two large pizzas for the poster. You can have some of the godforsaken pizza! Sheesh!
Roomie: Eh.
Me: How's this? I will order pizza and we can go get it (you have to drive because my car is still yelling at me) and then we can eat it and watch "The Big Lebowski" and I can stare at my shiny, new Adam Vinatieri poster.
Roomie: I'll think about it.

Damn, that was some good pizza.